you were headed for a fall, i was the one who made the call...

so i've made a pretty big decisions recently...

i've decided to change my major, after two and a half years of hating chemistry, and struggling through classes i can barely understand - i'm switching my major to something i think i might actually enjoy. it's sad that it has taken me this long to realize that sciences aren't in my future, and that i can't see myself working in a lab 5-10 years down the line.

so i've decided to switch into english, specifically writing, and even more specifically journalism. i still plan on minoring in french, mostly because i am french and should i need to fall back on teaching french would be a second teachable course. (not that i ever want to teach)

i'm so relieved with my decision, i've been sleeping so much better at night, and i feel like i can actually see myself doing this in the future, it's a career that could possibly give me the chance to travel and see the world. and i will be able to incorporate my photography into this in a way i would not have been able to had i stayed with sciences.

anyways,

other than this nothing has really been new, oh well - i'm unemployed & hating it with ever ounce of my being. as if i wasn't bored enough in my spare time when i had a job, now that i'm not working i don't know what to do with myself.

love

ps. boy situation is still non-existent. really, at this point all i want is cuddles. is that so much to ask for?

new moon ; new love

so i went to see new moon friday night, yes the night it came out, no not my best idea.

but none the less.. i fell in love with that insane love story all over again. it's sufficient to say that before seeing the movie i was totally team edward, even before seeing robert pattinson. Needless to say a hot loving vampire.. with a total bad boy edge is totally my cup of tea. But after seeing the movie, I might have been converted to team Jacob, not only did I feel like a total pedophile for loving every shirtless moment in the movie that the 17 year old was involved in.. i loved his loyalty and his character's honesty.

honestly, at this point I would be happy with either a vampire or a werewolf... I just want someone to cuddle up with.. preferably someone who actually knows (& maybe even loves) the goonies.

love♥

fLorida 2OO9

so it was an interesting trip to say the least.

I guess I should have known going into this trip that putting 5 girls together for any extended period of time would be a horrible idea. There was drama, and arguing, and freakouts; over nothing. I can deal with bullshit quite well, but I can only take people jumping down my throat every time I say something for so long.

Worst part is I almost killed one of the girls I was with.. at one of the Disney parks... that would have been interesting to say the least.

I guess I learned something else; group trips... not such a good idea.

love.♥

fLorida 2OO9

t-minus 2 days.

lord knows i need to get away.

...

i'm pretty sure the only thing i want right now is to cuddle up with a cute boy & watch the goonies.

am i asking too much from life?

love♥

the prayer

i'm so feeling this song right now...

and i'm not entirely sure why..

Plain Pat what up?

(Verse 1)

My heart thump not from being nervous

Sometimes I'm thinking God made me special here on purpose

So all the while 'til I'm gone make my words important so

If I slip away, if I die today the last thing you remember won't

Be about some apple bottom jeans with the boots with the fur

Baby how I dream of being free since my birth

Cursed but the demons I confronted would disperse

Have you ever heard of some shit so real

Beyond from the heart, from the soul you can feel

(Chorus)

And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take

But please don't cry, just know that I have made these songs for you

And if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take

'cuz I'm ready for a funeral

(Verse 2)

My mind runs I can never catch it even if I got a head start

God please tell me I am feeling so alone way

I don't need to worry 'cuz I know the world'll feel this nigga

Blessing in disguise but I am not hiding who I am open your eyes bro

If I ever met you, I appreciate the love yo

Girls that I dated, it's ok I am not mad yo

Unless you stabbed me in the heart, no love ho, this shit is so ill

Play it back from the top if you recognize real

(Chorus 2x)

And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take

But please don't cry, just know that I have made these songs for you

And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take

'cuz I'm ready for a funeral

'cuz I'm ready for a funeral (I'm ready for the funeral, I'm ready for the funeral)

so for some reason i'm still thinking about a new boy.. i don't know how i feel about this.

well i do; i feel like i need a strong drink and a distraction.

que midterms & essays.

FML.

love

ps; can't wait for fLorida.

you're a touch overrated;

it's hard to explain how you can not be surprised by the way a situation has panned out - but still be disappointed.

i think i've discovered that i'm actually a closet optimist, as much as i'd like to believe otherwise - i think that people are good, and that they have honest intentions. AS IF. for real though, of the people that have come and gone from my life in the past year i can't really say that any of them have really cared i guess. Because more often than not they left as fast as they came.

at this point i can't even blame this whole thing on naivety because really - it's happened one too many times, after the first time i should've known. but i guess i don't learn my lessons as quickly as i should. i don't know where i'm going with this; or even if what i've learned is really going to make a difference next time i'm faced with choosing whether or not to believe in the best of people.. we will see i suppose.

(knowing me; i'm just going to keep making the same mistakes over and over again - i'm a little kid like that, i know that sticking my finger in the outlet is going to hurt, but for some reason i keep doing it. werd)

love♥

like young leaves.

so i don't know what my problem is; i keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

it seems to be i can't learn my lesson the first time.. first with the whole thing last year with him, and now this thing that i have gotten myself into.

and i don't know for some reason i always seem to be able to convince myself that it's going to be different this time, that this time i can trust a boy, and then the same thing happens - i'm left questioning where the fuck i stand. and i hate it. i need to stop doing this.

i need to find someone i can actually trust, someone who is going to be there all the time, not just when it's convenient. i refuse to be a convenience for someone, just there when they need me - but left behind when their done. it's gotten old pretty fast

i need allot from life right now, and i don't seem to be getting much of it. i'm so sick of people just walking in and out of my life like it's nothing ... i get to attached for that shit, it's not cool. and people wonder why i have few friends? because the ones that i have i know i can count on, for anything. i don't have disposable friends, i don't have the patience or emotional capacity for temporary friendships, or relationships. that shit just isn't for me - if you're in my life you should be ready to be there for a long time. i care too much to just let people go, and it's taxing on me, i take the brunt of the pain when people just up and leave whenever it's convenient and i'm done with that... for real this time.

i don't know..

i think i just need to find a reliable boy; and stop giving people the benefit of the doubt - cause it's gotten me nowhere these past couple months.

i don't know where i'm going with this, or how any of this is going to end - typical.

love ♥

... really, where are you?

... so i kind of want a lot from a guy, i guess, but i've realized that their are somethings i just won't be able to budge on - like respect, i would honestly rather date someone who would respect me than the typical "good guy" because from my experience the type of guy that my parents would like to see me date.. well he's a douchebag, and the guys that they are kinda iffy about me dating treat girls better... werd

love

i'm pretending...

to be productive at school.. and failing epically

story of my life.

OH ! and i'm an idiot.. the guy that I was "dating" (if you can call it that) during the summer randomly texted me, and of course I agreed to hang out with him - DUMBASS. haha there is only one reason that boy is texting me.. trouble, well not trouble but it will be trouble. haha. oh boy what am I getting myself into?

love ♥

ps; loving down with webster again

pss. my mythology class is killing me lately

someone take a picture.. so i can remember

so i'm about two weeks into school now, and albeit i'm only taking three classes i'm already pretty stressed about the amount of work that i have to do. the labs, essays and tutorials seem to never end. not to mention that i'm working 4O hours/week right now.

..oh and having a social life in there somewhere? how the hell am i going to pull this one off

have i mentioned that i could totally go for a smoke right now, cause i totally could.

i have no fucking patience for boredom, this is insane.
i can't sit here and not do anything..
entertain me, kidnapp me, take me to the beach

...anything?

love♥

note to self;

no more drinking when you have to work at 8:3O in the morning..
7:15am comes quickly and hottie you are not with that little amount of sleep.

and learn your lessons by watching someone else make a fool of themselves; build me up buttercup is NEVER a good kareoke song, scratch that kareoke is never a good idea.

drama rama..

ps. i was totally right about my outside life being more dramatic than my sherkston family this summer. i knew that one was coming, but i didn't know how.... weird thing is my drama came from sherkston - just not part of what i consider work family - haha.
i need to stop dating stupid boys.

dexter ♥

even though he is a compulsive murderer - i'm pretty sure i would marry him.
just saying ..

i hope you need this now, cause i know i still do.

so summer is almost over, and that's insane to me.

it's been quite an adventure and allot has changed, i go back to school soon, and i'm hoping that this year ends up different that last year did, well and then year before that.

i've had my fair share of emotionally trying school years since i've been at brock, and i'm thinking things are going to be different this year.

i'm pretty stoked that alex is moving down here in a week or so. i've known him for like 5 or 6 years now, but he's always lived so far away, it should be nice to have someone around that i will be able to count on.

i still miss certain people from my past, and mistakes that i've made this summer made me realize that i was in the wrong allot more than i thought i was, and i let a good friendship fall apart. i've made my fair share of mistakes... and i have no idea how to fix them.

love

and i'm standing in the rain..

i'm all over the place right now. as usual..

one the upside though, i've stopped missing people that just don't care anymore.

love♥

ps. so stoked for my mom & sister to go to tennesse this summer, week alone with daddy (:
sleepovers?

they don't make love like that anymore.

so i'm sitting at work looking out the window hating my life because it's like 80 degrees outside and i am less than ten minutes away from the beach, and i mean i could walk there in less than ten minutes. this is just a preview of what my summer is going to be ... longing for the beach sitting in an air conditioned office. oh lord.

trainwreck that i am.

so i'm pretty sure i've mastered the art of ignoring a problem until it goes away. i'm almost sure that my best friend is either pissed or annoyed with me, and i don't know, i just can't bring myself to deal with it right now, i love her to death, and she has pretty much been a rock for me the past couple months, i mean really i don't know what kind of a mess i would have gotten myself into had she not been there for me. but right now, i can't even find time to sleep, and that probably seems horrible, but i can't deal with drama anymore, i've grown so accustom to people bailing on life lately that it doesn't really surprise me, and i don't feel like fighting for anything anymore. the way i look at it now is this : if you want to be in my life, you will be, if you don't so be it. i won't begrudge you for your choice, it's yours. that's not to say i won't be bothered by it. but i can't bother to keep fighting for things that hurt me. i don't even know where this is going or if i'm making any sense right now. 

i think i'm going to lay low for the next little while, mostly because i will be working all the time, at both sherkston and sitel so the next couple of weeks should be interesting, my bet is that within a week i'm having a total meltdown from lack of sleep and social life. 

funny thing is, my sherkston family is usually pretty dramatic, i don't think i will have to worry about them so much this summer, i think i'm going to have so much going on outside of work that my work family's drama will seem like nothing, and that my friends is bad news bears. and i am not stoked on it. i'm pretty sure i've had my fair share of crap & less than good people in my life so far this year, let's make the summer fantastic with good friends and good times. 

i miss my best friend though, i just don't even know how to approach the situation. i hate any type of confrontation, i pretty much just want to die when people are mad at me, i don't know why but i hate feeling as though i've let someone down. fuck. i don't know what to do with myself anymore, and this is some serious bullshit.

OH! and get this i am on day 3 of god only knows how many straight days of work, i think i might have to find myself a bridge / tall building to throw myself off of to prevent slipping into insanity.

love ♥

ps. that text that i got in the early hours of this morning has not left me alone, it keeps nagging me even though i deleted it. ugh. i need sleep right now. 

hit me up i got ya' man .

so this week has been kind of boring, i mean i worked sat, sun, mon at sitel nothing new there. spent the day in the sun on tues & wednesday, i refuse to lose my tan, i love having one and now that it's dark i pretty well just need to maintain it. thursday i went back to sherkston, oh lord, being there totally reminded me of last summer and all the insane adventures we would have, and trust me we had some pretty crazy times there.

yesterday i worked aswell, but everyone else was actually there too, oh man, i remembered how much i love my summer family. i swear to god, neesh, my sister, the vasko's, kristen i love them all. three or four people that i have spent the past two summers with aren't coming back this summer, and things are going to be different but i'm sure we will find a way to have a fantastic summer regardless. 

enough about my love for my job...

i feel like i got no sleep last night, fo' real. and that's totally going to fuck me over tonight when i have to work until 11. this working two jobs is going to ruin my life, especially seeing as one job requires me to get up extremely early and the second job has me working until 12. ugh, but last night i'm pretty sure it's my cell phone that woke me up,  i usually leave the damn thing on silent, and i must have forgotten to turn the volume down before i went to bed, fuck bad idea. either way i got a text at 2:15 in the morning, first of all WTF are you doing texting me at 2:15 in the morning, unless it's life or death.. or good gossip from tania that is inexcusable.  second of all, what are YOU doing texting me anyways? 

things like this make me hate my life hahah . but whatever, i didn't get the message until 3 in the morning because my stupid phone decided it would be a good idea to beep at me until i acknowledged that i had a message.  i think i answered the text ? i honestly cannot be sure though, because right after i deleted them and tried, to no avail, to go back to sleep. ugh.

love ♥

ps. i need to give up on watching tv series, because i can't even seem to watch my favorite ones every week, i have no idea what is going on with reaper, and i haven't watched any episodes of GG this season. 

i need you tonight ,

so it's been a while since i've updated , and by a while i clearly mean like forever . 

life has been decent lately , which is nice . dominican was amazing , seriously i would totally move there if i could . i can honestly see myself opening up a photography company down there and doing like weddings and family portraits at resorts and such . that would so be the life for me , i mean really , i would be able to go to the beach anytime i want , i would be able to capitalize on my photography , ahhh i think i know what i want to do with my life . hahah . in a couple years maybe . hmmm... well i can dream right ?

and speaking of dominican , wow , seriously , i cannot get over how beautiful it was there , honest to goodness , like white beaches , clear water , palm trees , well at least on the resort . off the resort not so much , which made me very thankful for everything that i have . 

oh and running away from problems ? yeah doesn't work , the niagara region seems to be able to find me no matter where i chose to run away to , what the shit is up with people from high school staying at the same resort as me ? really , their are like 6OO resorts along that beach and you pick the same one i'm at ? LAME ! 

OH ! most important , those dominican boys can dance , and i don't mean dance like the boys around here "dance" , i mean DANCE , ugh . for real , find me a boy that can dance like that and i am down . 

on that note , boys , there is fuck all going on , and i'm ohk with that in one sense , but in another sense not so much . lame , right ? yeah i know . i want that comfort of knowing that i have someone to cuddle with , you know ? someone that i can call crying , and it won't matter . but then on the other hand i don't want to deal with letting someone in the way you have to in a relationship , it's such a conundrum .

GOOD NEWS : back to sherkston on thursday , that actually makes me so insanely happy . i love it there , and i don't think summer would be the same without the stupidity and insanity that is my second family . i'm going back for my third summer this year and i know allot of things have changed , and quite a few people aren't planning on coming back , but i still can't imagine summer without sherkston anymore , it just wouldn't be right . 

i'm such a scatterbrain lately and this is probably all over the place and makes absolutely no sense . but it's been a while and it's 3:OO am . so give me a break. mk ?

love ♥

ps . i now have two babby bunnies that my sister and i have adopted , pancakes & waffles . and they are probably the cutest things in the whole world . 

pss . please , please , please don't text me because you have drugs to sell , congratulations , but i don't need to know , i worry too much , still . (somethings will never change) k , thanks ?

you spin my head right round .

lame .

i. two exams left both at 9am . i hate my academic life .
ii. i let my parents down , again .
iii. fucking butterflies , it's sad that they are like forewarning that i'm going to get hurt .
iv. you're stupid cell phone number .
v. crying
vi. i missed reaper & project runway canada last night . wtf
vii. my neck hurts .
viii. i don't know what sleep is anymore
ix. cute couples , yeah so what i'm jealous of your hand holding .
x. life ?

this is probably the best , not to mention the worst idea that i have ever had .

so it's one thirty in the morning , and i am wide awake . thank you starbucks .

i can't wait to go away , i mean , i haven't left the general niagara region in almost three years now . and i think i need a vacation more than anything else right now . it will be nice to run away for a week , or even a couple days . but i hate that i feel like i need to run away from my problems , whatever - maybe it's exactly what i need right now , to run away . i have a feeling it's exactly what i need , i know this because for some reason the idea of moving away from here completely has been kind of predominant lately , i mean how easy would it be to just move to the other side of the country , start all over . not have people that have expectations around ?

BC sounds good to me , i think that would be remote enough ? ugh . i don't think that it's something that i'd be able to do though , just pick up and leave . the freedom though , to be on my own with no one to fall back on , would probably be terrifying .

i wonder if i could find someone to go on this adventure with me ? i'm sure there is a good school in BC where i could finish my degree , and the photography ♥ , i would die to be able to get some shots out there .


as if i would ever have the courage to pack up and leave . it's nice to dream though .


love ♥ ♥

ps . entourage is my new love , as is southland .

♥

Two to one

Static to the sound of you and I

Undone for the last time

And there this was

Hiding at the bottom of your

Swimming pool some September

And don't you think

I wish I could stay

Your lips give you away

I can hear it, the jet engine

Through the center of the storm

And I'm thinking I'd

Prefer not to be rescued

Two to none

Roads that lead away from this

I'm following myself just this once

And I've got spunIt appears you're spun as well

It happens when you pay attention

This could take all year, but

When it's quiet, does she hear me?

Jettisoned to the center of the storm

And I'm thinking I

Prefer not to be rescued

Oh, I can feel her, she's dying

Just to keep me cool

I'm finally numb, so please

Don't get me rescued... rescued...

And it's unclear

But this may be my last song

Oh, I, I can tell

She's raising hell to give to me

She got me warm

So please don't get me rescued

Oh, say you'll miss me one last time

I'll be strong, but whatever you do

Please don't get me rescued...

'Cause I'm feeling likeI might need to be near you

And I feel alright, so please

Don't get me rescued...

love ♥

ps . thank you onetreehill for more amazing musique , and you should probably check out jack's mannequin like right now , because they are amazingly talented .

if you promise not to push it then i will hold you tight ,

so i guess it was inevitable , it's exam , i'm stressed , to be honest i'm surprised i've lasted this long without a complete meltdown . no joke , i usually have to write , oh i'd say one exam , and then i freak out because of one small thing , well this time around i actually managed to write two before i had my biannual complete meltdown , i almost made it to three , but i was on my way to my exam when this went down .

yeah , it was pretty sweet cried the whole way from welland to st catharines , makeup running down my face , it was lovely . in retrospect it reminds me of the one dane cook skit , the crying one , ironically i think he jokes about the vehicle being a blue honda ? which is what i drive . oh lord .

love ♥

ps . i'm fucking bored as hell . however , i am stoked to get my huuurrr did on wednesday ( :
goodbye nasty roooots , hello blondie ready for a serious vacay , with lots of alcohol .

and if you need some lovin . . .

THOUGHT OF THE DAY : what is a cop on a horse going to do in downtown welland ?
seriously , i was on my way home from school today and i was going down east main and there is this random cop sitting on a horse just watching the traffic go by . what i want to know is how this cop has any potential to stop crime ? because really , he doesn't even have the flashing lights and sounds that a normal cop car has . nope , just him and his horse . i guess he still has his gun , but i suppose he can't really shot out someone's tires or anything without good cause . i think that the welland PD could probably be putting their funds to better use than paying for the care of a horse , sure it's pretty but not so affective .

love ♥

ps . i'm so over everyone's drama . my mom's still not talking to me , exams have me on edge . i hate this week . i can't wait for saturday to be over , then i will only have one exam left . fuck . at least i can sleep in tomorrow .

here amongst my wildest dreams ...

so i went to sherkston today to talk to our new team manager , and i'm pretty sure that i am ridiculously stoked to go back there . it will be my third summer there , and it's crazy to think that for a minute i had considered not going back . either way , there have been so many changes , and that makes me even more excited , the office looks amazing , and i'm pretty sure there is actually going to be some kind of chain of command this summer . thank god .

have i mentioned that i absolutely adore the people that i work with at sherkston , because i do .

love ♥

ps. reaper , wtf andie ? you can't break up with sam . that's just not right .

& i knew that you meant it ...

it's just another one of those nights , i just seem to let my mind wander and it always seems to come back to the same thing .

i feel like something is missing , and i'm scared to admit that i know exactly what it is , because if i do , i might get hurt again . and i'm kind of over hurting all the time .

i'm also over people telling me that i'm some kind of spoiled princess , and that i've had everything handed to me . honestly , i want to prove to them that i can do it on my own , and maybe that's part of why i'm so keen on moving out . i need to prove something , not only to those people , but to myself . the thing is i'm scared , and the person that used to be able to make me feel like i could do anything i put my mind to , doesn't talk to me anymore .

there i said it , i'm pretty sure that's what i'm missing . i think that the best thing that he ever said to me was "you're doing great ." and it's probably because i knew he actually meant it .

fuck . i can't do this .


love ♥

ps. stoked on the hills season 5 , i need a distraction from my drama and this looks like it's going to be a pretty sweet one .

don't know what's come over me ,

so after seeing samantha's new tattoo yesterday, i'm yearning for some new ink even more so than usual. i want so many different tattoos it's insane. oh and franz sam's tattoo artist, he can tattoo me whenever he wants ♥.
* my foot, i want "never say die" in pretty script on my left foot. for those of you who dont know where that is from, 1. you're lame . 2. it's from the goonies
* my left shoulder i want a pink lotus flower.
* my back, in between my shoulder blades, i want an old school firefighter helmet, with my dad's number, in black and gray with daddy's girl in a banner underneath it.
* i want "c'est la vie" on the outside of my right foot
* a small fleur de lys behind my left ear

pretty much i will end up being quite inked. and i'm pretty stoked. ( :

love ♥♥

ps. loving old street pharmacy right now... pull out the bat . haha

oxycotton, zanax bars, percocets .... ♥

no i have not turned into a drug addict, that would be über lame. and well hard drugs scare me, long story for another time.

anyways, today on my way home, i took out a cd that i have not listened to in a couple months. i used to listen to this cd all the time no joke. i burned it at the beginning of september and it made up the soundtrack to two to three months of my life. and listening to it brought back some pretty sweet memories. from back when everything was cute, and we were still friends. espicially the oxy cotton song, because you used to make fun of me for knowing all the words, even though you thought it was adorable. and how at first i would singalong all quiet hoping you wouldnt notice, but then after a while, not so much.

i kind of miss that, just being in my car driving around singing along to lame rap music about drugs that scare me to death. i miss that friendship more than anything right now.

and its weird that i put that cd in today, because when i was with sam i was telling how much i was just starting to trust you, not that i didn't at first, but i mean in the sense that i actually thought that i could count on you... and then everything changed , too bad eh?

love ♥

ps. laundry day tomorrow, not stoked.
pss. the boy that tattoo'd samantha is totally lustworthy , and he is a sweetheart ♥

i'm breakin through to you ; ♥

so i guess it's pretty lame that i still worry about you. and that i still think about you from time to time. and it's probably really lame how much it sucks that i feel like i can't talk to you, even though i really want to, not that this is something that you've insinuated in anyway, this one is all on me. fuckmylife.

love♥

ps. i finished reading new moon, again, today. ugh, i want a vampire? is that so wrong? i would even settle for a werewolf, it just seems so easy for them, well not really. but the connections are there. you know?

let's stop playing hide and seek now , k ?

where are you ?

* doesnt mind my lame jokes
* thinks that i look good with no makeup and / or shower
* doesnt mind that on my days off i would rather sit around and read in pyjamas then go out
* can deal with the fact that my bestfriend can sometimes be a bitch , i love her so get over it
* will spend a whole day in bed cuddling
* doesnt think that its lame , or doesnt tell me that he thinks its lame , that i am addicted to tv on dvd
* will drive my car , because frankly driving is lame , and i spend too much time doing this
* doesnt argue with me when i feel like paying , i have an independent streak, mk?
* doesnt make me feel like a spoiled princess
* calls me just to hear my voice
* thinks that its cute when i say things in french because i cant think of the right word in english
* knows where to find me when im trying to hide from the world
* understands that my camera is sometimes the one thing that keeps me sane
* doesnt make fun of the lame music that i listen too
* thinks its cute that i know the words to most of the rap songs on cds in my car
* understands that i am insecure in relationships , and doesn't make me feel bad / guilty about it
* doesnt feel the need to check in all the time
* watches lame tv shows with me , hello ; reaper , antm , one tree hill ?
* thinks that its cute when i stutter
* doesnt think that its lame that i have a journal and a blog
* knows what program im taking at school , but doesnt push the fact that i have no idea what i want to do with my life
* knows what bestfriend & i order at boston pizza
* does cute random things , seriously the little things are 1OOx more important than the big things
* knows that i dont eat red meat , except on pizza and bacon
* remembers that i dont particularly enjoy pop unless im sick
* knows that im crazy claustrophobic and that large big groups of people intimidate me
* understands that when i met new people i get really nervous and dont do much talking
* doesnt push the fact that im not very assertive
* gets that i dont talk about my problems unless i absolutely have to
* realises that when i call him crying i dont need him to say anything, i just need to talk to someone, also appreciates that i have trusted him enough to actually call him in a state of weakness
* doesnt expect me to be all open right away, ive been hurt a few times now, and for some reason i dont let many people in
* doesnt let my sarcasm scare him away

i dont think im being too picky , well i probably am . which probably explains allot

love♥


ps. reaper is on , i would totally date the son of the devil , sam that is , he's a sweetheart .

...

i've got nothing . absolutely nothing .

love ♥

ps. reaper tomorrow night , my life is a sad sad excuse for something exciting .

baby , when you come around it ain't no good

dear life ,

stop throwing me curve balls . stop making miss people i shouldn't be missing . make my mommy talk to me . that's all i want for now .

xox , me



k . so anyways , life actually hasn't been horrendous . i had a blast last night , so going out with my best friend acting like a total idiot , sometimes , that's all i need to improve my moood ♥ . so i went to see a haunting in conneticut , wow , probably not my best idea , i'm not even joking when i say that i watched a good 75% of the movie through my fingers , yeah i'm that lame . even though you know exactly when they plan on scaring you , it never fails to make me jump and have a mild heart attack .

highlights of my night ;

un . trying to understand the lady that did my nails , i felt so bad , but it was such a one sided conversation on her end , half the stuff she said i didn't understand .

deux . the wait staff at boston pizza knows us . lame . i actually feel bad for the guy that served us last night though , i'm pretty sure everytime he came by our table we were talking about something completely inappropriate . such as a. bodily functions b. lame boys c. sex stories of some sort

trois . as we are leaving boston pizza , i - being the idiot that i am - scan the restaurant , notice a familiar looking face , turn to sam and go "hey isn't that the guy from street pharmacy ?" sam , stares at him for about 3O seconds , he turns looks at us , "yeah it is" we burst out laughing like a bunch of 16 year old girls , and proceed to make a run for it

quatre . sam making a new friend , all by herself , i was so proud . even if she made the friend by talking smack on some random 15 year olds in skirts that barely covered their goodies .

six . complaining about the bitch that got us our popcorn , dude really , their is no need to be a bitch , when for once , we weren't being mean to you . fuck you ginger , fuck you .

sept . having multiple minor heart attacks during the movie , lame . hahah


love ♥

now , who should i take ?

lame .

un . my mom finding this blog , she hasn't spoken to me in like three days . i think i would rather have her yelling at me .

deux . i still have a really random sporatic cough that will not go away regardless of the antibiotics that i am on

trois . boys , really . nothing but trouble , the friend is actually not causing any trouble , it's kind of a weird situation but i can deal with it .

quatre . i can't stop thinking about him lately , and i'm not sure why . i think it would be so much easier if we hadn't tried to be friends , or rather if we had actually just been friends , and not pushed it . i've said it before and i will say it again , if i had known a simple change in sleeping arrangements would have changed the outcome of the situation i would do it all over again . i hate feeling like i've lost someone , i still don't think i'm over loosing someone i lost last year , it's the fact that i don't give up on people . i really don't , namely in friendships , letting go is not something that i've mastered , regardless of how many times i've tried . and i've needed someone to call , oh god , in the past couple months , to have been able to call you would have made my life so much easier , because really , i don't think anyone else understands , or could understand . as silly as that sounds , it's what i believe . that's not to say i haven't had people to talk to , but i think you would have had a different point of view . fuck , i need to stop doing this , it's the same shit over and over again . don't get me wrong , i don't begrudge you for your choice , i get it - most days that is - i just wish i hadn't ended this way , but hell there is no changing that now , only moving on , and learning . which i think i have , so thank you , i really did learn allot from you , and from everything you've been through , i've grown up allot , i just wish you could see it first hand . anyways , i need to stop this . i'm not accomplishing anyways besides ranting .

love ♥

ps. a journal might not have been the best idea i've ever had , going back and reading what i wrote in december still brings me to tears everytime , cause i was still... never mind . i'll put it away soon , start a new one , learn some news things , who knows , grow up somemore ?

lame.

i'm finally starting to feel better , thank god. this whole being sick thing isn't for me , i can't deal with having a raspy voice , and a cough that makes me sound like i smoke a pack a day.

so i'm really broke, it's not even a joke anymore , it's actually a serious problem , and VDT at work is totally ruining my life. i mean really, when you offer me twelve times in an hour if i want to leave, eventually my resolve is going to crack and i'm going to leave. this is an ongoing issue, and my bank account is definetly paying for it. but i don't usually go home when i leave early , i find something else to do with my time haha.
last night i spent a few hours just chillen' with tania, i swear i love this girl to death, like so glad that i meet her and that we've become friends. because i can totally relate to her when it comes to boys , and we just generally have a sweet time together. last night we sat around, google-d a bunch of really random things, talked about how much we both want to marry kap ♥ and how bad hair / shoes are deff. deal breakers. and then i went and hung out with scott for a bit, sat around watched tv, nothing exciting.

but i've come to realised that i'm actually pretty lame , i don't really go out because i have no money, even when i stay at work for my whole shift i am so insanely in debt that going out isn't an option, and on top of that i work until 11:OOpm on saturday nights, and most of the time my mother is so worried about me driving home that she doesn't want me going out after that lame.
and the rest of my week is usually consumed with piles of school work and work, and laundry that i've allowed to grow to monstrous piles in both my room and car.

thing is , i don't really mind being lame.
♥ love.


ps. i feel like i've finally kind of found a reality that i'm enjoying, and it's my own reality. weird.

baby, you wouldn't last a second on the creek.

the good.
1. stoked for friday - girls night w. tania ; nails + tanning + out for dinner + movies.
2. my sister is home from europe, i missed her
3. the bomb mac mascara my sister bought me in europe ♥
4. actually having some commision on my next paycheck , thank god.

the bad.
1. being at home , i'm so sick of all the arguing i don't get it. no one can say anything without a fight starting, and i can't deal with it anymore
2. still being sick.
3. i was up at 9:OO am. enough said
4. i still miss him, i don't know why but i do.

i taste betrayal, you fucking whore ♥

so i'm still sick, which is fantastic. yeah right. i've pretty well done absolutely nothing all week which is balls. i'm going stir crazy. oh and i'm really bummed that i didn't get to see down with webster this friday or last friday. i get that i'm sick and my mom didn't want me to go to brantford or whatever, but fucking yeah, i love down with webster and apparently last tour dates for a bit. i hate my life.

oh ps. boys suck, as if i didn't already know this one.

sick.

so i've spent the entire weekend in bed / on my couch because i have been sick as a dog. well i ended up going to the doctors today, turns out i have a fucking sinus infection, i swear to god my immune system hates me and is out to get me.

so i dont know, i probably wont be doing much for the next couple days, not stoked.

ps. boy update ( :

ps : seen that boy today, we're still friends, it doesn't feel as though things have really changed and so far, i can't say that the other night wasn't a mistake. (k. for you pervs..i didn't sleep with him, i just kissed a really good friend) i mean, if we can still be friends, and not let shit change.. that would be fantastic, because honestly, right now... i do NOT want a relationship, i kinda just want to have some fun.. haha, and i want to keep him as a friend, yeah i know i want to have my cake and eat it too, whatever... 

pss : this boy often times reminds me allot of another boy that i've let hurt me time and time again, maybe that's why i'm able to seperate my emotions. who knows? i wonder how long that will last though, because it's totally out of character for me. whatevs. i have enough to worry about without adding this to the growing list.

i can feel it calling in the air tonight...

so much for getting along with my parents lately, that all came to a crashing end tonight, what a surprise. things can only go so good for so long ya know?... either way my mom found out that i might be taking a year off next year, she had the exact reaction that i was expecting, and trust me that is why i have been putting off telling her. the thing is, i feel like i kind of don't know what i want from life, like i dont know what i want to do with the rest of my life, i feel like i'm so young and that i have so much time that i don't really want to tie myself down right now. 

honestly, i don't feel like i've experienced anything in life. and that is the honest to goodness truth. like i've lived in the same town my whole life, sure i've travelled, but i really haven't seen what else is out there. i can honestly say that since september everything has kind of been insane, i've realised how truly sheltered that i am. i've met new people and like, it's insane. not that i want to experience all the things that they've experienced, but like really? do i know what i want from life at this point? no i have no idea. but i really don't feel like school is the place that i should be right now. 

i'm not happy when i'm there, i mean i don't feel like i'm accomplishing anything, you know? i feel like i could be doing so much more with .... well everything. not that i dont want an education because really i do and i appreciate it more than anything - i mean my parents have given me everything .. and maybe that's the issue. 

i've never really had to fight for anything - it's all been handed to me, like i didn't really earn what i have, and i think that has allot to do with where all my uncertainties are coming from right now. i want to have to fight for the things that i want - i mean really, university probably would have meant allot more to me had i had to pay for it, or really try in highschool to get into my program, rather than have done absolutely nothing in order to get good grades and have my parents pay for it. 

i kind of feel like i've been forced into the place that i'm at right now, and what makes it worse is that i feel like i'm being held here. i hate the idea of letting my parents down, trust me i do, and that's what's making this all so much harder, i want to make them proud i want to be the person that they think i can be... i just don't know if i'm ready to be that person right now. 

i don't know, it's like i wasn't sure i even wanted to go to school straight out of high school, i wasn't even going to apply when i was in grade 12 it was something that i was "forced" to do in a way to make my mother happy, and when i got accepted i felt like i had to go .. you know ? not for myself, i would have been happier taking a year and making sure that school is what i really want to do with my life.... but i didn't i let outside pressure make me make a decision that i have been regretting and second guessing for the past two years.

and with all this i feel like a huge failure, i look at the people that i went to school with, and most of them are happy in school , even the people that were doing mediocre in classes back in the day, and here i am .. a decent student in high school, when i tried, absolutely miserable in my post secondary education. at the time it seemed like the natural course of action, like it was expected, you finish high school and then you go to university, it's what my parents had planned out for me all along.. but is it what i really want? i don't know.

i almost feel like i would be better off working in some third world country to make a difference, but i don't know. it's just insane right now, my head is all over the place...

i honestly think that taking a year off is what i need, to figure out who i want to be , what i want to be, and what i want to do with my life...

love 

bαby could you bLow my heαrt up ;

i feel like i'm in a tailspin, again. but not the bad kind, i'm more concerned with having a good time with good friends, then worrying about everything.. and that is an amazing feeling. little things don't bother me so much anymore, ohk maybe they do .... but i don't let them ruin my day anymore.. cause their is no point.

love ♥

ps; day off today, means pjs & dvds.
oh and reaper is on tonight.... stoked

.... going crazy from the moment i met you♥

someone once told me that i had a type; i can very clearly remember how offended i was at this, i don't have a type.. well guess what.. i think i might, whatever.. i was wrong, again

anyways; i'm not sure if this is a good thing or not yet.


love♥

ps. tonight was either a really good thing or another one of those stupid learning experiences, whatever, only time will tell.

♥. pretty stoked on life.

i'm kind of hesitant to actually write.. because i've been, well, happy lately. it's kind of nice, and i feel like if i say it out loud too much or write it down, it will all come crashing to an end, and that scares me. i feel like i've moved on, in a healthy way, from things that aren't exactly right for me. and that i've found some pretty sweet friends, and that i've gotten back into photography.

being happy is a nice relief, please don't ruin it for me.

stoked ;
1. 3OH!3 in buffalo with best friend on may 2nd (:
2. down with webster on friday with best friend
3. roadtrip on the 20th to see down with webster & street pharmacy in brantford
4. yuk yuk's for a sweet comedy show soon
5. starting to look for an apartment soon
6. trip with the fam jam after exams are done
7. school being done soon (: last exam is on the 16th of april
8. summer; going back to sherkston ♥

with a little luck.. ♣

there are some things i'd like to accomplish before i, well, die.
i want to...
1. travel from one end of canada to the other with someone i love and my camera to keep me company. and by travel i mean get a van and drive the whole way.
2. learn spanish
3. make a difference in someone's life
4. have one of my pictures published in a reputable magazine or newspaper
5. publish a book either with my photography or with my writting
6. go ice fishing, up in the northern part of quebec
7. tear down the walls i've built around myself
8. take a road trip - with no particular destination in mind
9. tell someone how i really feel
10. take a photography class
11. go dancing with my best friend
12. visit a stripcLub
13. take a photography class
14. swim in the ocean
15. try sushi
16. drive to new orleans for mardi gras
17. go camping, in a tent
18. drive the length of route 66
19. try skiing, or snowboarding
20. walk the entire west edmonton mall
21. try a jaegerbomb
22. one word : VEGAS
23. karaoke
24. keep my car clean for more than a week
25. take pictures from the top of a mountain
26. kiss in the rain
27. write a letter to my parents to let them know how much they mean to me
28. learn to skateboard
29. use my french as more than an excuse when i don't say things properly
30. go back to europe, with my camera
31. learn to roll a good joint
32. spend a day without worrying
33. learn to speak italian
34. have a beer in ireland
35. set foot on all seven continents
36. visit a real blues bar in chicago
37. go swimming with sharks
38. participate in the carnival, in brazil
39. learn to tango, in argentina
40. try surfing
41. go scuba diving in the great barrier reef
42. volunteer in a third world country for a couple weeks
43. visit the nile
44. photograph an endangered species in it's natural habitat
45. fall deeply in love - helplessly and unconditionally
46. go to burning man
47. teach english in a foreign country
48. attend the olympics
49. oktoberfest
50. tell someone my life story, without sparring any details
51. plant a tree
52. ride the trans-siberian express across rusia
53. shower in a waterfall
54. sleep under the stars
55. spend a whole day reading a classic novel
56. drive the autobahn
57. overcome my fear of failure
58. give to charity - anonymously
59. kiss the blarney stone
60. visit the concentrations camp sites in germany, and learn of true suffering
61. learn my family tree
62. learn to flair bartend
63. ride in a gondola in venice
64. take a ferrari for a test drive
65. see the northern lights
66. touch an iceberg
67. have a food fight
68. steal a street sign, preferably the one in welland that says "speed hump" but anyone will do.
69. visit the great wall of china
70. pick up and move to another city just to start over again
71. sell my artwork (ie. photography) to a stranger, for a profit
72. hike to the bottom of the grand canyon
73. fire a riffle or a shotgun
74. go on an african photo safari
75. walk down abbey road
76. see area 51
77. see the holy land
78. climb an active volcano
79. fly first class
80. see rent on broadway
81. watch the sunrise on a mountain
82. touch the pyramids
83. tell someone i love them - and mean it
84. send my parents on a second honeymoon
85. read a book every week
86. run a marathon
87. learn archery
88. let go of the past
89. learn about my family's history - the secrets
90. sit on a jury
91. own one very expensive purse
92. spend christmas on the beach drinking tropical drinks
93. go up in a hot air balloon
94. go deep sea fishing
95. visit the taj mahal
96. smoke in a cafe in amsterdam
97. go white water rafting
98. kiss a complete stranger on new year's eve
99. swim in the dead sea

☼ ain't no sunshine when you're gone....

so here's how things work in my family, or at least with me and my sister, when it comes to our ways of dealing with things .. or at least the way it used to be
(my parents have their own multitude of issues that are to vast to explain).
i'm the bitter one, it's true, i hold grudges, i make snide comments, and allot of the time i'm pretty much a not nice person. on the inside though, it's this insane mix of feelings.. you know when you're young and you have all the different finger paint colours; and you know that if you can mix them all together the right way you'll get the prettiest colour of all.. well most of the time, it's a mess.. essentially that is the emotional state that i live in 9O% of the time, some wild and not so pretty mix of anger, bitterness, happiness, sadness and usually lonelyness...

my sister is something all together different, she is all forgiveness, she somehow ; no matter how horribly a person has wronged her will still find a way to forgive them. i don't understand.

but i think that might all change, over the past couple months i've done nothing but work on my bitterness, i've opened up, and learned the importance of letting people in.. the storms are no longer things i have to weather on my own.

but my sister just came into my room in tears, her boyfriend broke up with her.. (and in a horrible sense of dejavue took the same douchebag approach my ex did, seriously if you're going to break up with a girl, pick up the phone.. a text message saying "call me we need to talk" is the worst thing EVER, and why is it that you can't pick up the phone yourself? don't want to waste your minutes, douchebag)... now there is a horribly long , messy and painfull history with the boy that she dated, i personally don't trust him further than i could throw him. but he was, is, (i'm not sure what tense to use here), her first love. and i can see in her eyes how broken she is. i remember that look from the mirror in september, when i wore it. the tears, the stomach aches, it's not pretty...

i hope for her sake though that she is able to walk away from it, because that is one thing i still haven't been able to do. i keep going back to the same thing that hurts me time and time again. i understand how she can forgive now, because i have someone that i seem to forgive no matter what. no matter how many times i've cried, no matter how many times i've said "i'm done"... my very own justin bobby.. except cleaner and better looking.

essentially, i hope this doesn't ruin my sister's faith in love, and people. i hope she has more strength than i had, because she is a strong girl, and i know that if she tries she will certainly be able to overcome this.




ps; boys suck it's true.
[NOTE : i say boys because i hope that once they become men, they stop acting like douchebags - see i haven't completely lost faith in humanity]

walking a tightrope with a safety net...

it seems like everytime i take out my camera, i fall in love all over again. i never feel more comfortable or confident than when i am behind the lens. no joke.

i spent a good portion of my morning / early afternoon in chapters looking at books filled with other photographers visions' it made me want to get out in the world and capture every little bit of it on film, well technically on a memory card but whatever. i've never really had much of an "artistic side" , however when i have my camera in my hands i feel like i might.. it's one of the few ways, besides writting, that have truly let me express myself and i love it.

let me tell you about my love affair...
(how proactive of me) with graffiti, no i'm not joking. i love it, i wish i had that kind of artistic ability. i remember being really young and traveling up to montreal to visit family. we always used the public transportation system there because, well Quebecois drivers aren't exactly the best people to mess with... anyways, i remember that i used to love taking the train and the metro because of the sheer volume of graffiti that we would see. i loved it, i used to try to get my mom to take pictures of it, but "it would waste film", back in the day when we still used film... and then her and my nana would go on and on for what seemed like hours about how graffiti was defacing property... i never used to understand how they couldn't see that it made everything prettier, the colours, the shapes, the talent that i would never have. i still love graffiti, and i still don't understand how people bash it.
to this day when i take the go train i can't help but push my face up to the window and watch the colours go by, wishing that my camera would focus through the dirty fiberglass to capture some part of the artist's talent..
cheesy right? whatever, i'm a dork.
...besides, i won't need to wish anymore, wednesday i plan on going on an adventure in hamilton with my camera, hopefully i don't get mugged. (:

love♥

ps; just because i try not to talk about it, doesn't mean that i'm over it, that i feel better or that i'm ever going to be ohk.... i just don't want to be a burden.

god damn it i can't do it alone,

i'm starting to realize that all my problems can't be blamed on anything, or anyone other than myself - only i can make my life what i want it to be and everyday my self-control and self-discipline fuck it up more and more.

i miss the days when i thought there was something wrong with me.

and watch that colorado sunrise

another day, another ... i don't know.
back to school today, i've been on break for almost two weeks, and i could certainly get used to not having to drag my ass out of bed before noon everyday to listen to some boring prof drone on about plant genetics, sorry, it's boring.

break was kind of a mess though, i don't know how reading week turned into what it was, i was supposed to go to montreal, but thank you car accident and insurance company, i had to buy a new car a month ago and am far too broke to even consider travel. it would have been nice to get away from everything for a little bit. i feel like i haven't been able to escape the insanity that my day to day life has become in the past oh 4 months.

and i feel like i whine too much, like i can't take anything in stride.
maybe i take things too personally, and i assume the worse of people, i don't know.

i suppose that is all for now.

ps. totally going to m.island today with my camera, maybe i will get some sweet shots to put up in the (futur) apartment.

weeds.

so stoked, i just bought season three of weeds.
i can't wait to lay around all day and watch it (:

ps. i'm totally craving some starbucks right now ♥

...

i miss him.
that's it, simple, except it's not.

just another monday morning..

technically it's monday afternoon, but who's keeping score?
i absolutely loathe waking up on mondays, or any day, but mondays are worse for some reason...

oh and i have this horrible cough going on, my life is awesome..

love.♥

ps.
going to get season 3 of weeds today, plan on staying in bed most of the day tomorrow to watch it, stoked. (:

poooched.

bad.
..being burnt out before midnight
..having to get up in the morning to go to the gym
..back to school on wednesday
..not having season three of weeds
..being this burnt out and not having any good snacking provisions in the house. (my parents dissapoint me somtimes)

dickens, ♥

He had artfully, but plainly, assured her that he knew her heart in its last most delicate recesses; he had come so near to her through its tenderest sentiment; he had associated himself with that feeling; and the barrier behind which she lived, had melted away.

regrets.

1. not being honest about my feelings for you..
2. punishing you for other people's mistakes.
3. not telling you how much it hurt every single time you left

when i seen you the other day i realised that i had, once again, managed to lie to myself. i almost believed that i didn't care anymore, jokes on me.. seeing you just reminded me of how much i still do care... and how easily i can get jealous. yay me.

ps. i really do still miss you.

♥

bests.
1. boston pizza garlic twists.
2. my best friend
3. predictable chick flicks
4. getting dressed up (:
5. seeing a car flipped on it's side (WTF..)
6. drunk phone calls w. a friend that's in london apparently.

worsts.
1. ex week from hell... seriously what the fuck?
2. crazy parents..
3. stupids medication that i'm on, it makes my tummy hurt.
4. soar feet from going to the gym & then wearing heals.

stoked

so i'm pretty stoked on life right now..
here's why

1. night with my best friend
2. i'm going to see a chick flick (:
3. probably going to get some awesomely bad greasy food.

ilovemylife right now
♥

it doesn't mean shit unless you take a whiff..

why is it that everytime i think things might just be looking up, i'm starting to get over that one boy that i keep going back too, that something has to happen to fuck things up? seriously, i'm not sure i understand.. it's like life has this tracker and everytime i start to move on.. he gets some sort of weird signal and has to get a hold of me.... but not to make amends, oh god no, not even to just talk, but to find some way of making me cry again..

thanks world, you are a huge bag of douche.

ugh.

LIFE LESSON LEARNED : when your instincts are all but screaming at you that something bad will come of this, trust them. Chances are your instincts are going to save you allot of pain&suffering.

you know when you get that one text, phone call, email, whatever, and as soon as you see the sender's name your stomach drops to your knees, and you know it's probably bad news, but somehow you can't help but indulge you have to see what they want... RESIST. seriously, because you probably have that feeling for a reason, it's probably bad news, and you're probably going to end up regretting it.

waiting for your call...

Waiting for your call, I'm sick, call I'm angry call I'm desperate for your voice Listening to the song we used to sing In the car, do you remember Butterfly, Early Summer It's playing on repeat, Just like when we would meet Like when we would meet Cause I was born to tell you I love you and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine Stay with me tonight Stripped and polished, I am new, I am fresh I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh Cause every breath that you will take when you are sitting next to me will bring life into my deepest hopes, What's your fantasy? (What's your, what's your, what's your...) Cause I was born to tell you I love you and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine Stay with me tonight And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home (I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have) cause I was born to tell you I love you and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine Stay with me tonight Cause I was born to tell you I love you and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
-your call; secondhand serenade

2 in the morning and i'm still awake, and for once it's not because i'm afraid that if i find the resolve to go to bed that i will cry myself to sleep, i'm actually kind of happy now. it's ironic really, how much everything has changed in such little time, i mean if you think about it in the grand scheme of things a year really isn't that great of a length of time. but so much can change in a year, and i feel like it's kind of deja vue right now. i've lost someone, again, but this time, i'm not hiding from my problems in a smoky garage, i'm actually facing them head on.

it's been terrifying to actually face being alone, and the hurt has been pretty strong, but i've healed allot. i've learned so much from this all. i really have, and i have more now because of everything that has happened. i used to keep people out, and hide behind this incredibly huge wall of bitterness and hurt, but now.. i don't know, that wall seems to be coming down. allbeit i cry allot more now than i used to, i actually feel better about things then i have in a long time. i've got some grip on the person that i want to be.

through everything i've found an awesome friend, someone that actually knows who i am, no lies, no hiding. it's actually kind of awesome to have someone actually know me. (best friend; ily)

maybe letting people in isn't so bad.

there is one person i should thank for showing me this, but that probably isn't going to happen, and i'm not bitter about them being gone, or about the decisions that they've made. i've grown up allot this year, and i think i've changed for the better, namely over the past couple months. i've dealt with allot of things from my past. i've found some sweet people that i plan on keeping in my life for quite some time.

i guess that's it.

.. 25.

UN. i've been told on more than one occasion that i am too nice for my own good.
DEUX. i'm am deathly afraid of loosing the people that are close to me
TROIS. i've been through quite a bit, but i'd rather not talk about it, it just brings back memories that i've tried to repress
QUATRE. i used to run from my problems, i'm trying to avoid doing that
CINQ. i have no tolerance for stupid drama, seriously, grow up
SIX. i use the fact that i'm french as an excuse for almost everything, but i'd like for it to be more than that
SEPT. their are allot of secrets within my family, i'm not entirely sure i want to know them all
HUIT. i absolutely adore starbucks, it's an addiction
NEUF. most nights i would rather stay at home with a good book than go out.
DIX. most people don't really know me, i'm not sure i want them to
ONZE. my best friend, means the world to me, honestly, i love her to death
DOUZE. i can usually learn things really quickly, however, when i don't get something right away it drives me nuts, i'm liable to give up.
TREIZE. i'm finally starting to find some kind of balance between the person i used to be, the person i want to be and the person that i am
QUATORZE. in september i probably would have told you that kelsey's was my favourite restaurant, but after one fatefull night with my best friend, and some bomb garlic twists, i would now have to say that boston pizza is rigth up there
QUINZE. music is my life, honestly, i can pretty much find a song to fit everyone of my moods.
SEIZE. i love surprising people with the music that i have playing in my car, i have gotten more than one double take when people see/hear me listening to metal.
DIX-SEPT. i'm scared to let people down.
DIX-HUIT. i'm sick of feeling not good enough
DIX-NEUF. one tree hill is my favourite show in the entire world, i have all five seasons on dvd.
VINGT. my french teacher at brock is a serious thorn in my side and i have considered punching her in the face for all the frustration that i have to endure in her class
VINGT ET UN. i will go out and drink on occasion, but it's not really my style, i don't enjoy large crowds of people.
VINGT-DEUX. stupid slutty girls at clubs piss me off, really, no one likes you sit down, don't dance on the table, and please have a touch of class.
VINGT-TROIS. it seems like everytime i start to get over something, or decide that it's time to move on, their is some reminder as to why i shouldn't get on with my life.
VINGT-QUATRE. i've pretty much had a car since i got my license, if i didn't have a car i would loose any sanity that i have.
VINGT-CINQUE. i love just going out for pointless rides in my car, i can think about things that way without all the distractions that life normally presents me with.

if i'm just bad news then you're a liar..

She said "Don't, don't let it go to your head Boys like you are dime a dozen Boys like you are dime a dozen" She said "You're a touch overrated, You're a lush and I hate it, But these grass stains on my knees They won't mean a thing"
And all I (all I) Need to know (need to know) Is that I'm something you'll be missing (is that I'm something that you're missing) Maybe I should hate you for this Never really did ever quite get that far Maybe I should hate you for this Never really did ever quite get that...
I'd never lie to you Unless I had to I'll do what I got to Unless I had to I'll do what I got to, the truth Is you could slit my throat And with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt
Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions This'll be the last chance you get to drop my name
Maybe I should hate you for this(If only you knew half as much as you pretend to)
-tαking bαck sundαy, you're so lαst summer.

Truths.
i'm done fighting for something thαt's long gone. it hurt too much, αnd i'm not sure i cαn hαndle crying myself to sleep αnymore. it seems like αs soon αs i get better, αnd come to terms with life.. something comes αnd throws α wrench into the works.
i αm unbelievαbly thαnkfull for my best friend, seriously, she's not α bitch, even though she tries reαlly hαrd to mαke people think she is, αt heαrt she is αn αmαzing person thαt hαs been there for me αll yeαr. i meαn reαlly, αfter being αt work.. she mαkes sure to text messαge me tonight to mαke sure i'm not still sitting in my cαr, αlone, crying. honestly, she's αmαzing, i will kill you if you hurt her (:
i'm α mess lαtely, i'm not hαppy but i'm mαnαged to convince most people thαt i αm. i do hαve good dαys, but most of the time, αt the end of the dαy.. it's still the sαme feeling of loneliness.
i cαn't wαit to move out of my pαrents house, it's going to be hαrd, but i know i cαn do it. i need to leαrn to be αlone, i cαn't keep hαving someone there to bαil me out when i get in trouble.

mostly, right now, i wish i could sleep.. but i cαn't, αs usuαl.