i can feel it calling in the air tonight...

so much for getting along with my parents lately, that all came to a crashing end tonight, what a surprise. things can only go so good for so long ya know?... either way my mom found out that i might be taking a year off next year, she had the exact reaction that i was expecting, and trust me that is why i have been putting off telling her. the thing is, i feel like i kind of don't know what i want from life, like i dont know what i want to do with the rest of my life, i feel like i'm so young and that i have so much time that i don't really want to tie myself down right now. 

honestly, i don't feel like i've experienced anything in life. and that is the honest to goodness truth. like i've lived in the same town my whole life, sure i've travelled, but i really haven't seen what else is out there. i can honestly say that since september everything has kind of been insane, i've realised how truly sheltered that i am. i've met new people and like, it's insane. not that i want to experience all the things that they've experienced, but like really? do i know what i want from life at this point? no i have no idea. but i really don't feel like school is the place that i should be right now. 

i'm not happy when i'm there, i mean i don't feel like i'm accomplishing anything, you know? i feel like i could be doing so much more with .... well everything. not that i dont want an education because really i do and i appreciate it more than anything - i mean my parents have given me everything .. and maybe that's the issue. 

i've never really had to fight for anything - it's all been handed to me, like i didn't really earn what i have, and i think that has allot to do with where all my uncertainties are coming from right now. i want to have to fight for the things that i want - i mean really, university probably would have meant allot more to me had i had to pay for it, or really try in highschool to get into my program, rather than have done absolutely nothing in order to get good grades and have my parents pay for it. 

i kind of feel like i've been forced into the place that i'm at right now, and what makes it worse is that i feel like i'm being held here. i hate the idea of letting my parents down, trust me i do, and that's what's making this all so much harder, i want to make them proud i want to be the person that they think i can be... i just don't know if i'm ready to be that person right now. 

i don't know, it's like i wasn't sure i even wanted to go to school straight out of high school, i wasn't even going to apply when i was in grade 12 it was something that i was "forced" to do in a way to make my mother happy, and when i got accepted i felt like i had to go .. you know ? not for myself, i would have been happier taking a year and making sure that school is what i really want to do with my life.... but i didn't i let outside pressure make me make a decision that i have been regretting and second guessing for the past two years.

and with all this i feel like a huge failure, i look at the people that i went to school with, and most of them are happy in school , even the people that were doing mediocre in classes back in the day, and here i am .. a decent student in high school, when i tried, absolutely miserable in my post secondary education. at the time it seemed like the natural course of action, like it was expected, you finish high school and then you go to university, it's what my parents had planned out for me all along.. but is it what i really want? i don't know.

i almost feel like i would be better off working in some third world country to make a difference, but i don't know. it's just insane right now, my head is all over the place...

i honestly think that taking a year off is what i need, to figure out who i want to be , what i want to be, and what i want to do with my life...

love