trainwreck that i am.

so i'm pretty sure i've mastered the art of ignoring a problem until it goes away. i'm almost sure that my best friend is either pissed or annoyed with me, and i don't know, i just can't bring myself to deal with it right now, i love her to death, and she has pretty much been a rock for me the past couple months, i mean really i don't know what kind of a mess i would have gotten myself into had she not been there for me. but right now, i can't even find time to sleep, and that probably seems horrible, but i can't deal with drama anymore, i've grown so accustom to people bailing on life lately that it doesn't really surprise me, and i don't feel like fighting for anything anymore. the way i look at it now is this : if you want to be in my life, you will be, if you don't so be it. i won't begrudge you for your choice, it's yours. that's not to say i won't be bothered by it. but i can't bother to keep fighting for things that hurt me. i don't even know where this is going or if i'm making any sense right now. 

i think i'm going to lay low for the next little while, mostly because i will be working all the time, at both sherkston and sitel so the next couple of weeks should be interesting, my bet is that within a week i'm having a total meltdown from lack of sleep and social life. 

funny thing is, my sherkston family is usually pretty dramatic, i don't think i will have to worry about them so much this summer, i think i'm going to have so much going on outside of work that my work family's drama will seem like nothing, and that my friends is bad news bears. and i am not stoked on it. i'm pretty sure i've had my fair share of crap & less than good people in my life so far this year, let's make the summer fantastic with good friends and good times. 

i miss my best friend though, i just don't even know how to approach the situation. i hate any type of confrontation, i pretty much just want to die when people are mad at me, i don't know why but i hate feeling as though i've let someone down. fuck. i don't know what to do with myself anymore, and this is some serious bullshit.

OH! and get this i am on day 3 of god only knows how many straight days of work, i think i might have to find myself a bridge / tall building to throw myself off of to prevent slipping into insanity.

love ♥

ps. that text that i got in the early hours of this morning has not left me alone, it keeps nagging me even though i deleted it. ugh. i need sleep right now.