now , who should i take ?

lame .

un . my mom finding this blog , she hasn't spoken to me in like three days . i think i would rather have her yelling at me .

deux . i still have a really random sporatic cough that will not go away regardless of the antibiotics that i am on

trois . boys , really . nothing but trouble , the friend is actually not causing any trouble , it's kind of a weird situation but i can deal with it .

quatre . i can't stop thinking about him lately , and i'm not sure why . i think it would be so much easier if we hadn't tried to be friends , or rather if we had actually just been friends , and not pushed it . i've said it before and i will say it again , if i had known a simple change in sleeping arrangements would have changed the outcome of the situation i would do it all over again . i hate feeling like i've lost someone , i still don't think i'm over loosing someone i lost last year , it's the fact that i don't give up on people . i really don't , namely in friendships , letting go is not something that i've mastered , regardless of how many times i've tried . and i've needed someone to call , oh god , in the past couple months , to have been able to call you would have made my life so much easier , because really , i don't think anyone else understands , or could understand . as silly as that sounds , it's what i believe . that's not to say i haven't had people to talk to , but i think you would have had a different point of view . fuck , i need to stop doing this , it's the same shit over and over again . don't get me wrong , i don't begrudge you for your choice , i get it - most days that is - i just wish i hadn't ended this way , but hell there is no changing that now , only moving on , and learning . which i think i have , so thank you , i really did learn allot from you , and from everything you've been through , i've grown up allot , i just wish you could see it first hand . anyways , i need to stop this . i'm not accomplishing anyways besides ranting .

love ♥

ps. a journal might not have been the best idea i've ever had , going back and reading what i wrote in december still brings me to tears everytime , cause i was still... never mind . i'll put it away soon , start a new one , learn some news things , who knows , grow up somemore ?