let's stop playing hide and seek now , k ?

where are you ?

* doesnt mind my lame jokes
* thinks that i look good with no makeup and / or shower
* doesnt mind that on my days off i would rather sit around and read in pyjamas then go out
* can deal with the fact that my bestfriend can sometimes be a bitch , i love her so get over it
* will spend a whole day in bed cuddling
* doesnt think that its lame , or doesnt tell me that he thinks its lame , that i am addicted to tv on dvd
* will drive my car , because frankly driving is lame , and i spend too much time doing this
* doesnt argue with me when i feel like paying , i have an independent streak, mk?
* doesnt make me feel like a spoiled princess
* calls me just to hear my voice
* thinks that its cute when i say things in french because i cant think of the right word in english
* knows where to find me when im trying to hide from the world
* understands that my camera is sometimes the one thing that keeps me sane
* doesnt make fun of the lame music that i listen too
* thinks its cute that i know the words to most of the rap songs on cds in my car
* understands that i am insecure in relationships , and doesn't make me feel bad / guilty about it
* doesnt feel the need to check in all the time
* watches lame tv shows with me , hello ; reaper , antm , one tree hill ?
* thinks that its cute when i stutter
* doesnt think that its lame that i have a journal and a blog
* knows what program im taking at school , but doesnt push the fact that i have no idea what i want to do with my life
* knows what bestfriend & i order at boston pizza
* does cute random things , seriously the little things are 1OOx more important than the big things
* knows that i dont eat red meat , except on pizza and bacon
* remembers that i dont particularly enjoy pop unless im sick
* knows that im crazy claustrophobic and that large big groups of people intimidate me
* understands that when i met new people i get really nervous and dont do much talking
* doesnt push the fact that im not very assertive
* gets that i dont talk about my problems unless i absolutely have to
* realises that when i call him crying i dont need him to say anything, i just need to talk to someone, also appreciates that i have trusted him enough to actually call him in a state of weakness
* doesnt expect me to be all open right away, ive been hurt a few times now, and for some reason i dont let many people in
* doesnt let my sarcasm scare him away

i dont think im being too picky , well i probably am . which probably explains allot

love♥


ps. reaper is on , i would totally date the son of the devil , sam that is , he's a sweetheart .

...

i've got nothing . absolutely nothing .

love ♥

ps. reaper tomorrow night , my life is a sad sad excuse for something exciting .

baby , when you come around it ain't no good

dear life ,

stop throwing me curve balls . stop making miss people i shouldn't be missing . make my mommy talk to me . that's all i want for now .

xox , me



k . so anyways , life actually hasn't been horrendous . i had a blast last night , so going out with my best friend acting like a total idiot , sometimes , that's all i need to improve my moood ♥ . so i went to see a haunting in conneticut , wow , probably not my best idea , i'm not even joking when i say that i watched a good 75% of the movie through my fingers , yeah i'm that lame . even though you know exactly when they plan on scaring you , it never fails to make me jump and have a mild heart attack .

highlights of my night ;

un . trying to understand the lady that did my nails , i felt so bad , but it was such a one sided conversation on her end , half the stuff she said i didn't understand .

deux . the wait staff at boston pizza knows us . lame . i actually feel bad for the guy that served us last night though , i'm pretty sure everytime he came by our table we were talking about something completely inappropriate . such as a. bodily functions b. lame boys c. sex stories of some sort

trois . as we are leaving boston pizza , i - being the idiot that i am - scan the restaurant , notice a familiar looking face , turn to sam and go "hey isn't that the guy from street pharmacy ?" sam , stares at him for about 3O seconds , he turns looks at us , "yeah it is" we burst out laughing like a bunch of 16 year old girls , and proceed to make a run for it

quatre . sam making a new friend , all by herself , i was so proud . even if she made the friend by talking smack on some random 15 year olds in skirts that barely covered their goodies .

six . complaining about the bitch that got us our popcorn , dude really , their is no need to be a bitch , when for once , we weren't being mean to you . fuck you ginger , fuck you .

sept . having multiple minor heart attacks during the movie , lame . hahah


love ♥

now , who should i take ?

lame .

un . my mom finding this blog , she hasn't spoken to me in like three days . i think i would rather have her yelling at me .

deux . i still have a really random sporatic cough that will not go away regardless of the antibiotics that i am on

trois . boys , really . nothing but trouble , the friend is actually not causing any trouble , it's kind of a weird situation but i can deal with it .

quatre . i can't stop thinking about him lately , and i'm not sure why . i think it would be so much easier if we hadn't tried to be friends , or rather if we had actually just been friends , and not pushed it . i've said it before and i will say it again , if i had known a simple change in sleeping arrangements would have changed the outcome of the situation i would do it all over again . i hate feeling like i've lost someone , i still don't think i'm over loosing someone i lost last year , it's the fact that i don't give up on people . i really don't , namely in friendships , letting go is not something that i've mastered , regardless of how many times i've tried . and i've needed someone to call , oh god , in the past couple months , to have been able to call you would have made my life so much easier , because really , i don't think anyone else understands , or could understand . as silly as that sounds , it's what i believe . that's not to say i haven't had people to talk to , but i think you would have had a different point of view . fuck , i need to stop doing this , it's the same shit over and over again . don't get me wrong , i don't begrudge you for your choice , i get it - most days that is - i just wish i hadn't ended this way , but hell there is no changing that now , only moving on , and learning . which i think i have , so thank you , i really did learn allot from you , and from everything you've been through , i've grown up allot , i just wish you could see it first hand . anyways , i need to stop this . i'm not accomplishing anyways besides ranting .

love ♥

ps. a journal might not have been the best idea i've ever had , going back and reading what i wrote in december still brings me to tears everytime , cause i was still... never mind . i'll put it away soon , start a new one , learn some news things , who knows , grow up somemore ?

lame.

i'm finally starting to feel better , thank god. this whole being sick thing isn't for me , i can't deal with having a raspy voice , and a cough that makes me sound like i smoke a pack a day.

so i'm really broke, it's not even a joke anymore , it's actually a serious problem , and VDT at work is totally ruining my life. i mean really, when you offer me twelve times in an hour if i want to leave, eventually my resolve is going to crack and i'm going to leave. this is an ongoing issue, and my bank account is definetly paying for it. but i don't usually go home when i leave early , i find something else to do with my time haha.
last night i spent a few hours just chillen' with tania, i swear i love this girl to death, like so glad that i meet her and that we've become friends. because i can totally relate to her when it comes to boys , and we just generally have a sweet time together. last night we sat around, google-d a bunch of really random things, talked about how much we both want to marry kap ♥ and how bad hair / shoes are deff. deal breakers. and then i went and hung out with scott for a bit, sat around watched tv, nothing exciting.

but i've come to realised that i'm actually pretty lame , i don't really go out because i have no money, even when i stay at work for my whole shift i am so insanely in debt that going out isn't an option, and on top of that i work until 11:OOpm on saturday nights, and most of the time my mother is so worried about me driving home that she doesn't want me going out after that lame.
and the rest of my week is usually consumed with piles of school work and work, and laundry that i've allowed to grow to monstrous piles in both my room and car.

thing is , i don't really mind being lame.
♥ love.


ps. i feel like i've finally kind of found a reality that i'm enjoying, and it's my own reality. weird.

baby, you wouldn't last a second on the creek.

the good.
1. stoked for friday - girls night w. tania ; nails + tanning + out for dinner + movies.
2. my sister is home from europe, i missed her
3. the bomb mac mascara my sister bought me in europe ♥
4. actually having some commision on my next paycheck , thank god.

the bad.
1. being at home , i'm so sick of all the arguing i don't get it. no one can say anything without a fight starting, and i can't deal with it anymore
2. still being sick.
3. i was up at 9:OO am. enough said
4. i still miss him, i don't know why but i do.

i taste betrayal, you fucking whore ♥

so i'm still sick, which is fantastic. yeah right. i've pretty well done absolutely nothing all week which is balls. i'm going stir crazy. oh and i'm really bummed that i didn't get to see down with webster this friday or last friday. i get that i'm sick and my mom didn't want me to go to brantford or whatever, but fucking yeah, i love down with webster and apparently last tour dates for a bit. i hate my life.

oh ps. boys suck, as if i didn't already know this one.

sick.

so i've spent the entire weekend in bed / on my couch because i have been sick as a dog. well i ended up going to the doctors today, turns out i have a fucking sinus infection, i swear to god my immune system hates me and is out to get me.

so i dont know, i probably wont be doing much for the next couple days, not stoked.

ps. boy update ( :

ps : seen that boy today, we're still friends, it doesn't feel as though things have really changed and so far, i can't say that the other night wasn't a mistake. (k. for you pervs..i didn't sleep with him, i just kissed a really good friend) i mean, if we can still be friends, and not let shit change.. that would be fantastic, because honestly, right now... i do NOT want a relationship, i kinda just want to have some fun.. haha, and i want to keep him as a friend, yeah i know i want to have my cake and eat it too, whatever... 

pss : this boy often times reminds me allot of another boy that i've let hurt me time and time again, maybe that's why i'm able to seperate my emotions. who knows? i wonder how long that will last though, because it's totally out of character for me. whatevs. i have enough to worry about without adding this to the growing list.

i can feel it calling in the air tonight...

so much for getting along with my parents lately, that all came to a crashing end tonight, what a surprise. things can only go so good for so long ya know?... either way my mom found out that i might be taking a year off next year, she had the exact reaction that i was expecting, and trust me that is why i have been putting off telling her. the thing is, i feel like i kind of don't know what i want from life, like i dont know what i want to do with the rest of my life, i feel like i'm so young and that i have so much time that i don't really want to tie myself down right now. 

honestly, i don't feel like i've experienced anything in life. and that is the honest to goodness truth. like i've lived in the same town my whole life, sure i've travelled, but i really haven't seen what else is out there. i can honestly say that since september everything has kind of been insane, i've realised how truly sheltered that i am. i've met new people and like, it's insane. not that i want to experience all the things that they've experienced, but like really? do i know what i want from life at this point? no i have no idea. but i really don't feel like school is the place that i should be right now. 

i'm not happy when i'm there, i mean i don't feel like i'm accomplishing anything, you know? i feel like i could be doing so much more with .... well everything. not that i dont want an education because really i do and i appreciate it more than anything - i mean my parents have given me everything .. and maybe that's the issue. 

i've never really had to fight for anything - it's all been handed to me, like i didn't really earn what i have, and i think that has allot to do with where all my uncertainties are coming from right now. i want to have to fight for the things that i want - i mean really, university probably would have meant allot more to me had i had to pay for it, or really try in highschool to get into my program, rather than have done absolutely nothing in order to get good grades and have my parents pay for it. 

i kind of feel like i've been forced into the place that i'm at right now, and what makes it worse is that i feel like i'm being held here. i hate the idea of letting my parents down, trust me i do, and that's what's making this all so much harder, i want to make them proud i want to be the person that they think i can be... i just don't know if i'm ready to be that person right now. 

i don't know, it's like i wasn't sure i even wanted to go to school straight out of high school, i wasn't even going to apply when i was in grade 12 it was something that i was "forced" to do in a way to make my mother happy, and when i got accepted i felt like i had to go .. you know ? not for myself, i would have been happier taking a year and making sure that school is what i really want to do with my life.... but i didn't i let outside pressure make me make a decision that i have been regretting and second guessing for the past two years.

and with all this i feel like a huge failure, i look at the people that i went to school with, and most of them are happy in school , even the people that were doing mediocre in classes back in the day, and here i am .. a decent student in high school, when i tried, absolutely miserable in my post secondary education. at the time it seemed like the natural course of action, like it was expected, you finish high school and then you go to university, it's what my parents had planned out for me all along.. but is it what i really want? i don't know.

i almost feel like i would be better off working in some third world country to make a difference, but i don't know. it's just insane right now, my head is all over the place...

i honestly think that taking a year off is what i need, to figure out who i want to be , what i want to be, and what i want to do with my life...

love 

bαby could you bLow my heαrt up ;

i feel like i'm in a tailspin, again. but not the bad kind, i'm more concerned with having a good time with good friends, then worrying about everything.. and that is an amazing feeling. little things don't bother me so much anymore, ohk maybe they do .... but i don't let them ruin my day anymore.. cause their is no point.

love ♥

ps; day off today, means pjs & dvds.
oh and reaper is on tonight.... stoked

.... going crazy from the moment i met you♥

someone once told me that i had a type; i can very clearly remember how offended i was at this, i don't have a type.. well guess what.. i think i might, whatever.. i was wrong, again

anyways; i'm not sure if this is a good thing or not yet.


love♥

ps. tonight was either a really good thing or another one of those stupid learning experiences, whatever, only time will tell.

♥. pretty stoked on life.

i'm kind of hesitant to actually write.. because i've been, well, happy lately. it's kind of nice, and i feel like if i say it out loud too much or write it down, it will all come crashing to an end, and that scares me. i feel like i've moved on, in a healthy way, from things that aren't exactly right for me. and that i've found some pretty sweet friends, and that i've gotten back into photography.

being happy is a nice relief, please don't ruin it for me.

stoked ;
1. 3OH!3 in buffalo with best friend on may 2nd (:
2. down with webster on friday with best friend
3. roadtrip on the 20th to see down with webster & street pharmacy in brantford
4. yuk yuk's for a sweet comedy show soon
5. starting to look for an apartment soon
6. trip with the fam jam after exams are done
7. school being done soon (: last exam is on the 16th of april
8. summer; going back to sherkston ♥

with a little luck.. ♣

there are some things i'd like to accomplish before i, well, die.
i want to...
1. travel from one end of canada to the other with someone i love and my camera to keep me company. and by travel i mean get a van and drive the whole way.
2. learn spanish
3. make a difference in someone's life
4. have one of my pictures published in a reputable magazine or newspaper
5. publish a book either with my photography or with my writting
6. go ice fishing, up in the northern part of quebec
7. tear down the walls i've built around myself
8. take a road trip - with no particular destination in mind
9. tell someone how i really feel
10. take a photography class
11. go dancing with my best friend
12. visit a stripcLub
13. take a photography class
14. swim in the ocean
15. try sushi
16. drive to new orleans for mardi gras
17. go camping, in a tent
18. drive the length of route 66
19. try skiing, or snowboarding
20. walk the entire west edmonton mall
21. try a jaegerbomb
22. one word : VEGAS
23. karaoke
24. keep my car clean for more than a week
25. take pictures from the top of a mountain
26. kiss in the rain
27. write a letter to my parents to let them know how much they mean to me
28. learn to skateboard
29. use my french as more than an excuse when i don't say things properly
30. go back to europe, with my camera
31. learn to roll a good joint
32. spend a day without worrying
33. learn to speak italian
34. have a beer in ireland
35. set foot on all seven continents
36. visit a real blues bar in chicago
37. go swimming with sharks
38. participate in the carnival, in brazil
39. learn to tango, in argentina
40. try surfing
41. go scuba diving in the great barrier reef
42. volunteer in a third world country for a couple weeks
43. visit the nile
44. photograph an endangered species in it's natural habitat
45. fall deeply in love - helplessly and unconditionally
46. go to burning man
47. teach english in a foreign country
48. attend the olympics
49. oktoberfest
50. tell someone my life story, without sparring any details
51. plant a tree
52. ride the trans-siberian express across rusia
53. shower in a waterfall
54. sleep under the stars
55. spend a whole day reading a classic novel
56. drive the autobahn
57. overcome my fear of failure
58. give to charity - anonymously
59. kiss the blarney stone
60. visit the concentrations camp sites in germany, and learn of true suffering
61. learn my family tree
62. learn to flair bartend
63. ride in a gondola in venice
64. take a ferrari for a test drive
65. see the northern lights
66. touch an iceberg
67. have a food fight
68. steal a street sign, preferably the one in welland that says "speed hump" but anyone will do.
69. visit the great wall of china
70. pick up and move to another city just to start over again
71. sell my artwork (ie. photography) to a stranger, for a profit
72. hike to the bottom of the grand canyon
73. fire a riffle or a shotgun
74. go on an african photo safari
75. walk down abbey road
76. see area 51
77. see the holy land
78. climb an active volcano
79. fly first class
80. see rent on broadway
81. watch the sunrise on a mountain
82. touch the pyramids
83. tell someone i love them - and mean it
84. send my parents on a second honeymoon
85. read a book every week
86. run a marathon
87. learn archery
88. let go of the past
89. learn about my family's history - the secrets
90. sit on a jury
91. own one very expensive purse
92. spend christmas on the beach drinking tropical drinks
93. go up in a hot air balloon
94. go deep sea fishing
95. visit the taj mahal
96. smoke in a cafe in amsterdam
97. go white water rafting
98. kiss a complete stranger on new year's eve
99. swim in the dead sea