☼ ain't no sunshine when you're gone....

so here's how things work in my family, or at least with me and my sister, when it comes to our ways of dealing with things .. or at least the way it used to be
(my parents have their own multitude of issues that are to vast to explain).
i'm the bitter one, it's true, i hold grudges, i make snide comments, and allot of the time i'm pretty much a not nice person. on the inside though, it's this insane mix of feelings.. you know when you're young and you have all the different finger paint colours; and you know that if you can mix them all together the right way you'll get the prettiest colour of all.. well most of the time, it's a mess.. essentially that is the emotional state that i live in 9O% of the time, some wild and not so pretty mix of anger, bitterness, happiness, sadness and usually lonelyness...

my sister is something all together different, she is all forgiveness, she somehow ; no matter how horribly a person has wronged her will still find a way to forgive them. i don't understand.

but i think that might all change, over the past couple months i've done nothing but work on my bitterness, i've opened up, and learned the importance of letting people in.. the storms are no longer things i have to weather on my own.

but my sister just came into my room in tears, her boyfriend broke up with her.. (and in a horrible sense of dejavue took the same douchebag approach my ex did, seriously if you're going to break up with a girl, pick up the phone.. a text message saying "call me we need to talk" is the worst thing EVER, and why is it that you can't pick up the phone yourself? don't want to waste your minutes, douchebag)... now there is a horribly long , messy and painfull history with the boy that she dated, i personally don't trust him further than i could throw him. but he was, is, (i'm not sure what tense to use here), her first love. and i can see in her eyes how broken she is. i remember that look from the mirror in september, when i wore it. the tears, the stomach aches, it's not pretty...

i hope for her sake though that she is able to walk away from it, because that is one thing i still haven't been able to do. i keep going back to the same thing that hurts me time and time again. i understand how she can forgive now, because i have someone that i seem to forgive no matter what. no matter how many times i've cried, no matter how many times i've said "i'm done"... my very own justin bobby.. except cleaner and better looking.

essentially, i hope this doesn't ruin my sister's faith in love, and people. i hope she has more strength than i had, because she is a strong girl, and i know that if she tries she will certainly be able to overcome this.




ps; boys suck it's true.
[NOTE : i say boys because i hope that once they become men, they stop acting like douchebags - see i haven't completely lost faith in humanity]

walking a tightrope with a safety net...

it seems like everytime i take out my camera, i fall in love all over again. i never feel more comfortable or confident than when i am behind the lens. no joke.

i spent a good portion of my morning / early afternoon in chapters looking at books filled with other photographers visions' it made me want to get out in the world and capture every little bit of it on film, well technically on a memory card but whatever. i've never really had much of an "artistic side" , however when i have my camera in my hands i feel like i might.. it's one of the few ways, besides writting, that have truly let me express myself and i love it.

let me tell you about my love affair...
(how proactive of me) with graffiti, no i'm not joking. i love it, i wish i had that kind of artistic ability. i remember being really young and traveling up to montreal to visit family. we always used the public transportation system there because, well Quebecois drivers aren't exactly the best people to mess with... anyways, i remember that i used to love taking the train and the metro because of the sheer volume of graffiti that we would see. i loved it, i used to try to get my mom to take pictures of it, but "it would waste film", back in the day when we still used film... and then her and my nana would go on and on for what seemed like hours about how graffiti was defacing property... i never used to understand how they couldn't see that it made everything prettier, the colours, the shapes, the talent that i would never have. i still love graffiti, and i still don't understand how people bash it.
to this day when i take the go train i can't help but push my face up to the window and watch the colours go by, wishing that my camera would focus through the dirty fiberglass to capture some part of the artist's talent..
cheesy right? whatever, i'm a dork.
...besides, i won't need to wish anymore, wednesday i plan on going on an adventure in hamilton with my camera, hopefully i don't get mugged. (:

love♥

ps; just because i try not to talk about it, doesn't mean that i'm over it, that i feel better or that i'm ever going to be ohk.... i just don't want to be a burden.

god damn it i can't do it alone,

i'm starting to realize that all my problems can't be blamed on anything, or anyone other than myself - only i can make my life what i want it to be and everyday my self-control and self-discipline fuck it up more and more.

i miss the days when i thought there was something wrong with me.

and watch that colorado sunrise

another day, another ... i don't know.
back to school today, i've been on break for almost two weeks, and i could certainly get used to not having to drag my ass out of bed before noon everyday to listen to some boring prof drone on about plant genetics, sorry, it's boring.

break was kind of a mess though, i don't know how reading week turned into what it was, i was supposed to go to montreal, but thank you car accident and insurance company, i had to buy a new car a month ago and am far too broke to even consider travel. it would have been nice to get away from everything for a little bit. i feel like i haven't been able to escape the insanity that my day to day life has become in the past oh 4 months.

and i feel like i whine too much, like i can't take anything in stride.
maybe i take things too personally, and i assume the worse of people, i don't know.

i suppose that is all for now.

ps. totally going to m.island today with my camera, maybe i will get some sweet shots to put up in the (futur) apartment.

weeds.

so stoked, i just bought season three of weeds.
i can't wait to lay around all day and watch it (:

ps. i'm totally craving some starbucks right now ♥

...

i miss him.
that's it, simple, except it's not.

just another monday morning..

technically it's monday afternoon, but who's keeping score?
i absolutely loathe waking up on mondays, or any day, but mondays are worse for some reason...

oh and i have this horrible cough going on, my life is awesome..

love.♥

ps.
going to get season 3 of weeds today, plan on staying in bed most of the day tomorrow to watch it, stoked. (:

poooched.

bad.
..being burnt out before midnight
..having to get up in the morning to go to the gym
..back to school on wednesday
..not having season three of weeds
..being this burnt out and not having any good snacking provisions in the house. (my parents dissapoint me somtimes)

dickens, ♥

He had artfully, but plainly, assured her that he knew her heart in its last most delicate recesses; he had come so near to her through its tenderest sentiment; he had associated himself with that feeling; and the barrier behind which she lived, had melted away.

regrets.

1. not being honest about my feelings for you..
2. punishing you for other people's mistakes.
3. not telling you how much it hurt every single time you left

when i seen you the other day i realised that i had, once again, managed to lie to myself. i almost believed that i didn't care anymore, jokes on me.. seeing you just reminded me of how much i still do care... and how easily i can get jealous. yay me.

ps. i really do still miss you.

♥

bests.
1. boston pizza garlic twists.
2. my best friend
3. predictable chick flicks
4. getting dressed up (:
5. seeing a car flipped on it's side (WTF..)
6. drunk phone calls w. a friend that's in london apparently.

worsts.
1. ex week from hell... seriously what the fuck?
2. crazy parents..
3. stupids medication that i'm on, it makes my tummy hurt.
4. soar feet from going to the gym & then wearing heals.

stoked

so i'm pretty stoked on life right now..
here's why

1. night with my best friend
2. i'm going to see a chick flick (:
3. probably going to get some awesomely bad greasy food.

ilovemylife right now
♥

it doesn't mean shit unless you take a whiff..

why is it that everytime i think things might just be looking up, i'm starting to get over that one boy that i keep going back too, that something has to happen to fuck things up? seriously, i'm not sure i understand.. it's like life has this tracker and everytime i start to move on.. he gets some sort of weird signal and has to get a hold of me.... but not to make amends, oh god no, not even to just talk, but to find some way of making me cry again..

thanks world, you are a huge bag of douche.

ugh.

LIFE LESSON LEARNED : when your instincts are all but screaming at you that something bad will come of this, trust them. Chances are your instincts are going to save you allot of pain&suffering.

you know when you get that one text, phone call, email, whatever, and as soon as you see the sender's name your stomach drops to your knees, and you know it's probably bad news, but somehow you can't help but indulge you have to see what they want... RESIST. seriously, because you probably have that feeling for a reason, it's probably bad news, and you're probably going to end up regretting it.

waiting for your call...

Waiting for your call, I'm sick, call I'm angry call I'm desperate for your voice Listening to the song we used to sing In the car, do you remember Butterfly, Early Summer It's playing on repeat, Just like when we would meet Like when we would meet Cause I was born to tell you I love you and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine Stay with me tonight Stripped and polished, I am new, I am fresh I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh Cause every breath that you will take when you are sitting next to me will bring life into my deepest hopes, What's your fantasy? (What's your, what's your, what's your...) Cause I was born to tell you I love you and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine Stay with me tonight And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home (I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have) cause I was born to tell you I love you and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine Stay with me tonight Cause I was born to tell you I love you and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
-your call; secondhand serenade

2 in the morning and i'm still awake, and for once it's not because i'm afraid that if i find the resolve to go to bed that i will cry myself to sleep, i'm actually kind of happy now. it's ironic really, how much everything has changed in such little time, i mean if you think about it in the grand scheme of things a year really isn't that great of a length of time. but so much can change in a year, and i feel like it's kind of deja vue right now. i've lost someone, again, but this time, i'm not hiding from my problems in a smoky garage, i'm actually facing them head on.

it's been terrifying to actually face being alone, and the hurt has been pretty strong, but i've healed allot. i've learned so much from this all. i really have, and i have more now because of everything that has happened. i used to keep people out, and hide behind this incredibly huge wall of bitterness and hurt, but now.. i don't know, that wall seems to be coming down. allbeit i cry allot more now than i used to, i actually feel better about things then i have in a long time. i've got some grip on the person that i want to be.

through everything i've found an awesome friend, someone that actually knows who i am, no lies, no hiding. it's actually kind of awesome to have someone actually know me. (best friend; ily)

maybe letting people in isn't so bad.

there is one person i should thank for showing me this, but that probably isn't going to happen, and i'm not bitter about them being gone, or about the decisions that they've made. i've grown up allot this year, and i think i've changed for the better, namely over the past couple months. i've dealt with allot of things from my past. i've found some sweet people that i plan on keeping in my life for quite some time.

i guess that's it.

.. 25.

UN. i've been told on more than one occasion that i am too nice for my own good.
DEUX. i'm am deathly afraid of loosing the people that are close to me
TROIS. i've been through quite a bit, but i'd rather not talk about it, it just brings back memories that i've tried to repress
QUATRE. i used to run from my problems, i'm trying to avoid doing that
CINQ. i have no tolerance for stupid drama, seriously, grow up
SIX. i use the fact that i'm french as an excuse for almost everything, but i'd like for it to be more than that
SEPT. their are allot of secrets within my family, i'm not entirely sure i want to know them all
HUIT. i absolutely adore starbucks, it's an addiction
NEUF. most nights i would rather stay at home with a good book than go out.
DIX. most people don't really know me, i'm not sure i want them to
ONZE. my best friend, means the world to me, honestly, i love her to death
DOUZE. i can usually learn things really quickly, however, when i don't get something right away it drives me nuts, i'm liable to give up.
TREIZE. i'm finally starting to find some kind of balance between the person i used to be, the person i want to be and the person that i am
QUATORZE. in september i probably would have told you that kelsey's was my favourite restaurant, but after one fatefull night with my best friend, and some bomb garlic twists, i would now have to say that boston pizza is rigth up there
QUINZE. music is my life, honestly, i can pretty much find a song to fit everyone of my moods.
SEIZE. i love surprising people with the music that i have playing in my car, i have gotten more than one double take when people see/hear me listening to metal.
DIX-SEPT. i'm scared to let people down.
DIX-HUIT. i'm sick of feeling not good enough
DIX-NEUF. one tree hill is my favourite show in the entire world, i have all five seasons on dvd.
VINGT. my french teacher at brock is a serious thorn in my side and i have considered punching her in the face for all the frustration that i have to endure in her class
VINGT ET UN. i will go out and drink on occasion, but it's not really my style, i don't enjoy large crowds of people.
VINGT-DEUX. stupid slutty girls at clubs piss me off, really, no one likes you sit down, don't dance on the table, and please have a touch of class.
VINGT-TROIS. it seems like everytime i start to get over something, or decide that it's time to move on, their is some reminder as to why i shouldn't get on with my life.
VINGT-QUATRE. i've pretty much had a car since i got my license, if i didn't have a car i would loose any sanity that i have.
VINGT-CINQUE. i love just going out for pointless rides in my car, i can think about things that way without all the distractions that life normally presents me with.