this is the first song for your mixtape

I got a twenty-dollar bill that says no one's ever seen you without makeup. You're always made up. And I'm sick of your tattoos, and the way you always criticize the Smiths... and Morrissey. And I know that you're a sucker for anything acoustic. But when I say let's keep in touch, I really mean I wish that you'd grow up. This is the first song for your mixtape. It's short just like your temper, but somewhat golden like the afternoons we used to spend before you got too cool...
I got a twenty-dollar bill that says no one's ever seen you without makeup. You're always made up. And I'm sick of your tattoos, and the way you don't appreciate Brand New or me and I know that you're a sucker for anything acoustic. But when I say let's keep in touch, I hope you know I mean I wish that you'd grow up. This is the first song for your mixtape. It's short just like your temper, but somewhat golden like the afternoons we used to spend before you got too cool...
-Brand new; mixtape.

Why does it seem that as soon as I get some sort of footing in life, something has to happen that can make the ground that I am clinging to for death life tremble with such force that it can all come crashing down within seconds. I'm such a mess right now, which is horrifying because I've had such a good week, I've figured out allot of things. But of course, something has to happen. It's not the right time, everything is on shaky ground as it is.

Someone has come back into my life, someone that I thought to be gone forever, or at the very least until I had some solid hold on my views. Nope, life waits for no one to be ready. And this has all hit me ever so hard. This person hasn't even managed to touch my life specifically yet, but I know it's coming, and I'm terrified. I mean, I'm just getting over my bitter and jaded views of everything, but must it be tested right now.. can't it wait. I don't even know what to say, the words escape me.

I'm deathly afraid of falling, of falling back into my old habits. They are laying, waiting for me, tempting me, ever so close to the surface. And right now, I'm not entirely sure I can resist, I'm not sure. It would be so much easier to say that I hate this person, that I don't want to be near him, and that I don't want anyone I care about near him, but it's not that easy. That would have been my choice just over two weeks ago, I would have thrown a fit and not thought twice about it. Now it's not that easy. People make mistakes, and he seems to know that he made one. My issue is letting him affect the lives of the people that I care about all over again. I dealt with allot of guilt for bringing this person into the lives of my family, we hurt for a long time after everything happened, myself and my sister mostly.

Fuck. I thought I was doing so well.. so much for that.
I have allot to think about now, I might not be at home as much if he is here, I don't think I'm ready for that big of a test yet.

It feels like I'm in school... and I'm getting the final for a class right after sitting through orientation, clearly I'm laking preparations for such a test.