and sometimes broken things make the best building supplies...

"Even columbus looks better on the back seat of a bike and all my fears get washed away in a stream of blinking lights and the concrete strip below seems less like a noose and more like a tie that binds or at least a tourniquet. It's been such a hard season and the bridges we burned might be all we had to keep us from drowning. But at least we had this time; and I'd like to think we're better off for it. I'll remember this. Sometimes broken things make the best building supplies, and we'll keep on building.
Hearts aren't made of glass, they're made of muscle and blood and something else. and they don't so much as break as bend and tear. we have what it takes to keep it together; and move on.
Any relationship that matters - a friendship, a family, a romance, a band - anything - is a perilous and fragile thing because along with all the amazing experiences and creations that can come from something so intimate and exhausting comes the possibility for things to crumble and shatter or whither and die. when that happens, it's easy to forget what was precious amidst all the disaster. we should always carry our history with us but never let it bury us."
-Bikes and Bridges; Defiance, Ohio

So I've kind of have some hold on why this situation that I am in is so terrifying right now, it seems like it has brought a whole lot of feelings of insecurity right back to the surface. I thought that I had dealt with most of these problems last year, but I guess they have been creeping close to the surface just waiting for the right time to spring on me... Well haha here it is. The perfect time has come I guess, and now I will actually have to face these annoying feelings.

It's been so easy just to push these worries, these insignificant thoughts, to the back of my mind. Because their has been no reason to worry about them, no trigger to force them to the forefront of my thoughts... Until now. It's such a mess. I haven't selpt all weekend, I'm restless. I'm trying to figure out an escape plan... but I can't find one that makes sense.

I don't know who to call when I'm on the edge of freaking out, I have a pretty good idea who to call... but I always feel so silly, dumping all my problems on someone. I always feel like I should be able to come to some type of a sensible solution on my own. And I feel like I'm annoying the people I care about, like I babble too much, or I say too much.

Again, I feel like this is just a big mess. And I feel like I'm being over-dramatic, but nearly a whole year of bitterness isn't exactly something that is easy to get rid of. I mean sure in theory it is, but not in practice. And I'm suddenly realising that it's not only bitterness that I am getting over, it's allot more then that. It's the feeling of not being good enough a feeling that I am constantly plagued by.

I've actually been avoiding dealing with all my pent up I don't even know's by studying.... and I hate studying. Why can't life be as easy as in the movies and books that I love. Everything just always seems to fall into place at exactly the right moment... not with life. No, there is always some grand scheme, with lessons that need to be learned.. What a crock?

See, there it is, that bitter jaded person that I have tried to eradicate, still there. Just waiting for things like this to happen. It's sort of a victory for that person.. Like a bratty kid who sticks out their toungue "Haha I told you that this is the right way too look at things. And you thought you were so smart" . Pretty much, I could punch that bratty kid in the jaw right now, and not feel bad about it. Except somewhere in my subconscious, I agree with that person, I think that maybe they were right all along... So I have to fight with myself, I have to remember how destructive all the bitterness is. It's like this impossible fight going on inside my mind.

Seriously, I think I might need to be heavily medicated at this point. Because these pointless ramblings makes no sense.

"I'd like to blame it on the weather..."