i've got these promises...

I've got these promises ... that are creeping through my head, words I'd never dare say out loud. My tongue bleeds crimson red ... sliced open by the thorns of untruths that I've uttered before. And I'd like to be my friend, but own worst enemy again, resolutions that i break. And I'm headed for a fall, my own worst enemy of all, with every step back that I take.And these promises I keep, in the hours before I sleep. Don't mean nothing when I break them in the morning. And these promises I break, that are keeping me awake. Nightmares never half as bad as this.
-Defiance, Ohio "Promises"

So I've been thinking allot lately, shocking and totally out of caracther right? Well no, not for me. I am a mess of over-analytical brain cells, and an overly stressed out brain. But really, can I blame my simple human anatomy for my shortcomings. I think not. In reality I have created the over-analytical, stressed out creature that I have become. This isn't to say that I'm never happy, of course I am, when I surround myself with the right kind of people, and when I'm real. That is when I am really happy, yet, I still find myself trying to justify spending time with people that I need to be fake with.

I almost made a phone call today that could've sent me back to a place that I was last year, a place that has messed up allot of things for me. I enjoyed that place well I was there, but whenever I was alone.. well that was horrifying. The simple fact that I almost went back there, is probably even more terrifying.

In the past year I think I have completely lost touch with the person that I once was, I don't do things for myself anymore, and I run myself ragged trying to maintain some impossible level of "I don't even know", it's hard to explain how I've gotten myself into this position, and it's even harder to imagine a way to escape. But I think I've started.. the simple act of turning off my cell phone for 24 hours, it was mindblowing, I thought it would be impossible to be without my main form of communication to my friends, but to spend a weekend alone with my thoughts, wow, I feel like I have finally started to rediscover something that resembles the person I used to be.

I forgot how important it was to spend time alone, normally being alone terrifies me to no end. But I remembered that only when I am alone, can I truly face what is bothering me. I forgot how much I love to go for walks, without a purpose.. it's pretty well when I do my best thinking. I miss my photography; allot. I don't think I have taken my camera out in over a year. I haven't gone to a good concert in almost a year, and I miss that. Even though I'm not entirely sure I fit in, I went because I could feel something when I was there.

I hate to admit it, but I think the last time I was completely in touch with myself was in high school, not even around grade 12, probably around grade 10. I had no quelms about being honest with myself about my feelings, I had no shame in being sad or stressed or angry. I miss that, the simplicity of knowing exactly how I felt, and not fearing it. I used to embrace all my emotions, and range of feelings.. yet now I fear it. I don't want to disrupt the complacency of the routine I've settled into. I would rather downplay my feelings, and justify them in ways that aren't normal. I think most of my self-doubt has stemmed from this, I disregard my feelings so much that I forget that they are real, and whether I choose to acknowledge them now or later eventually they will catch up with me.

And I lie to myself, oh do I ever do this, I convince myself that I don't trust people.. but I will tell them certain things in such a guarded way, so that I can some way analyse their reaction and determine whether or not I will really be able to confide in these people. And these ludicrous "tests" are just that ludicrous, I can in no way determine how well I can trust someone based on their reactions to carefully calculated descriptions of events that may or may not have shaped me into the person I am today. My trust issues, as I am just beginning to realise do not stem from events in my past, they are born purely of my own doing. No one made me who I am today, I have become this way because I have allowed myself to believe that because one person has messed up everyone will. And that is a bitter and jagged view of the world that I certainly need to abandon.

And for some godforsaken reason, I have managed to abandon the one thing that has always been my escape, I haven't taken a picture in almost a year. And by picture I don't mean a snapshot of friends, I mean I haven't taken my photography seriously in ages. I remember the escape that my camera used to provide, it was better then any drug, I was me with that camera. And I feel that I have lost that part of myself, the part of myself that isn't afraid of self-expression, the part of myself that could actually afford to be creative in some sense of the word. I used to get lost behing the lense of that camera, I think I found myself in a dark room. The pure creativity in the moment that my picture would come to life with chemical rinses only to be hung out to dry; it's impossible to explain. I could poor myself into my photography with no shame in being judged. I need to go back to that place, I need to start again. That will all be part of my newest adventure, I think tomorrow I will find some nature trail, throw on a pair of sweat pants and running shoes, and rediscover what it is to be real.. to be creative.