i'm kind of a joke; really. except it's not funny...

I don't understand why I can't be real.. with most people. I'm so scared of being judged, and I realise that everyone has that problem. But in reality I think most people can at least say that they know who they want to be.. I have no idea. But what I do know is that the person that I have been lately; is nowhere near the person that I would someday like to become. I'm jaded, bitter, and easily manipulated.

I can't even answer simple questions about myself, because I have no idea who I am. I have become, for the most part, a reflection of my parent's expectation and what I believe people want me to be. And being real.. like 100% honest with myself, is terrifying.

I don't know what I want from life at this point, I have no idea where I'm going.. I kinda feel like I'm stuck in a traffic circle just driving, because making an actual decision as to which direction I'm heading is scaring the crap out of me.

I've also come to realise that some of the people that I'm become friends with are probably not the best people to be around right now. I don't want to let people down, so I pretend to be someone I'm not. I act like I wouldn't normally act in order to impress people, and that's not something I'm proud of.

However, I'm actually starting to believe that, with the support of my sweet friends, and allot of effort on my part, I may actually be able to discover who I am. I know it's going to be hard, and at times it's probably going to suck; really bad. But this is something that I need to do, not for anyone else, but for me.

The hard part right now, is that I just realised that I've put on a great front for the past little while, I even had myself convinced that I knew who I was.. guess not. It hit me like a ton of bricks.. thank you random sickness... I couldn't sleep and inevitably I layed awake in bed and thought; usually this is a horrible thing for me, but I came to some pretty terrifying conclusions in regards to the person that I have become.. I don't like it.

I don't know, I guess the next little while I will have to take some time to actually get to know myself. I would read old journals, but looking back, those are pretty much a lie too. I've never actually even been completely honest with myself.

So here's to a new journey..
A journey of self-discovery I suppose.