& I am hopeless

I've been walking around all day, Thinking. I think I have a problem, I think I think too much. I've been taught to hold back my tears,and avoid them. But you make pain into something I could touch.I've been walking around all day, laughing. I think I'd be better off without you here. And I bet you're sweet and hard to get over. So I'll cry and people will stop and stare. Now that's okay. Let them stop and stare.
Cause I am fragile. I am hopeless. I'm not perfect. But I am free.
I've been walking around all day, waiting. And waiting is all I seem to do. Cause I never get it unless I'm fed it. But this time i'll just have to. Yeah this time i'll just have to.
And I'm fragile. I am hopeless. I'm not perfect. But I am free.Say you're not around, Am I finished? If you're not around, thats too bad. Hope youre safe and sound, not alone now. Cause you know I believe in you.
-Maria Mena; Fragile.

I still feel like I haven't gotten a grip on my reality of just a few days ago. A reality where I could actually believe that I was making positive changes, where things were in some way getting better. To be totally honest, I feel like I have completely lost touch with that reality, and right now I see no immediate way of regainging it back.

Everything happens for a reason, and I know that. But I want to know why this is happening, why this is making me cry. For real, I feel like such a fucking mess right now. And I can't believe how easy it was to dredge up all those old feelings that I thought I had put behind me.. All the hurt, the self doubt and feelings of being not good enough.

I can't help but feel like I have no idea what to do with myself.

Not only that but I feel like I'm completely loosing touch with someone, someone who makes me feel like I can be real. Someone that makes me feel like I can accomplish anything that I can put my mind too. I feel like... I don't even know, I just hate the feeling that I am loosing someone else, someone that really matters to me. I would love to say that people always leave but I guess some of the come back... Even though the ones that come back, aren't the right ones.

What am I going to do...?

I wish I had the strength to call someone, it's not that I know that the people I care about would turn me away. It's not even close to that. I just wish I could convince myself that I'm not being silly.. or needy. Ugh. Since when has this been all about a whine fest.



Fuck.


Tomorrow... a long walk; and some serious thinking need to take place