don't bother trying to explain ; i know exactly what goes on

i give up. becαuse everytime i seem to get confident enough to think thαt things might just be tαking α turn in the right directions, i'm wrong. reαlly, reαlly wrong.

i hαve no hold on reαlity αnymore, αnd i think thαt i mαy even be α poor judge of chαrαcter. either thαt or.. people just suck, i'd rαther believe the first of the two. becαuse i still wαnt to believe thαt people αre good.. i αctuαlly do believe thαt people αre good.

i just wish i could find some more of those good people...

cause I can hardly wait for what tomorrow brings...

I feel like I have come to terms with allot of things.. again. I don't know why my life has turned into a rollercoaster since school has started again. And regardless of all the whinning, selfdoubt, crying, and everything else that has come along with this crazy life, I'm thankfull for everything that has happened. I feel like I have learned so very much. My outlook on life has changed... drastically.


I guess that's it.
No huge epiphany this time; just some understanding I suppose. It's kind of a welcome change.

& I am hopeless

I've been walking around all day, Thinking. I think I have a problem, I think I think too much. I've been taught to hold back my tears,and avoid them. But you make pain into something I could touch.I've been walking around all day, laughing. I think I'd be better off without you here. And I bet you're sweet and hard to get over. So I'll cry and people will stop and stare. Now that's okay. Let them stop and stare.
Cause I am fragile. I am hopeless. I'm not perfect. But I am free.
I've been walking around all day, waiting. And waiting is all I seem to do. Cause I never get it unless I'm fed it. But this time i'll just have to. Yeah this time i'll just have to.
And I'm fragile. I am hopeless. I'm not perfect. But I am free.Say you're not around, Am I finished? If you're not around, thats too bad. Hope youre safe and sound, not alone now. Cause you know I believe in you.
-Maria Mena; Fragile.

I still feel like I haven't gotten a grip on my reality of just a few days ago. A reality where I could actually believe that I was making positive changes, where things were in some way getting better. To be totally honest, I feel like I have completely lost touch with that reality, and right now I see no immediate way of regainging it back.

Everything happens for a reason, and I know that. But I want to know why this is happening, why this is making me cry. For real, I feel like such a fucking mess right now. And I can't believe how easy it was to dredge up all those old feelings that I thought I had put behind me.. All the hurt, the self doubt and feelings of being not good enough.

I can't help but feel like I have no idea what to do with myself.

Not only that but I feel like I'm completely loosing touch with someone, someone who makes me feel like I can be real. Someone that makes me feel like I can accomplish anything that I can put my mind too. I feel like... I don't even know, I just hate the feeling that I am loosing someone else, someone that really matters to me. I would love to say that people always leave but I guess some of the come back... Even though the ones that come back, aren't the right ones.

What am I going to do...?

I wish I had the strength to call someone, it's not that I know that the people I care about would turn me away. It's not even close to that. I just wish I could convince myself that I'm not being silly.. or needy. Ugh. Since when has this been all about a whine fest.



Fuck.


Tomorrow... a long walk; and some serious thinking need to take place

and sometimes broken things make the best building supplies...

"Even columbus looks better on the back seat of a bike and all my fears get washed away in a stream of blinking lights and the concrete strip below seems less like a noose and more like a tie that binds or at least a tourniquet. It's been such a hard season and the bridges we burned might be all we had to keep us from drowning. But at least we had this time; and I'd like to think we're better off for it. I'll remember this. Sometimes broken things make the best building supplies, and we'll keep on building.
Hearts aren't made of glass, they're made of muscle and blood and something else. and they don't so much as break as bend and tear. we have what it takes to keep it together; and move on.
Any relationship that matters - a friendship, a family, a romance, a band - anything - is a perilous and fragile thing because along with all the amazing experiences and creations that can come from something so intimate and exhausting comes the possibility for things to crumble and shatter or whither and die. when that happens, it's easy to forget what was precious amidst all the disaster. we should always carry our history with us but never let it bury us."
-Bikes and Bridges; Defiance, Ohio

So I've kind of have some hold on why this situation that I am in is so terrifying right now, it seems like it has brought a whole lot of feelings of insecurity right back to the surface. I thought that I had dealt with most of these problems last year, but I guess they have been creeping close to the surface just waiting for the right time to spring on me... Well haha here it is. The perfect time has come I guess, and now I will actually have to face these annoying feelings.

It's been so easy just to push these worries, these insignificant thoughts, to the back of my mind. Because their has been no reason to worry about them, no trigger to force them to the forefront of my thoughts... Until now. It's such a mess. I haven't selpt all weekend, I'm restless. I'm trying to figure out an escape plan... but I can't find one that makes sense.

I don't know who to call when I'm on the edge of freaking out, I have a pretty good idea who to call... but I always feel so silly, dumping all my problems on someone. I always feel like I should be able to come to some type of a sensible solution on my own. And I feel like I'm annoying the people I care about, like I babble too much, or I say too much.

Again, I feel like this is just a big mess. And I feel like I'm being over-dramatic, but nearly a whole year of bitterness isn't exactly something that is easy to get rid of. I mean sure in theory it is, but not in practice. And I'm suddenly realising that it's not only bitterness that I am getting over, it's allot more then that. It's the feeling of not being good enough a feeling that I am constantly plagued by.

I've actually been avoiding dealing with all my pent up I don't even know's by studying.... and I hate studying. Why can't life be as easy as in the movies and books that I love. Everything just always seems to fall into place at exactly the right moment... not with life. No, there is always some grand scheme, with lessons that need to be learned.. What a crock?

See, there it is, that bitter jaded person that I have tried to eradicate, still there. Just waiting for things like this to happen. It's sort of a victory for that person.. Like a bratty kid who sticks out their toungue "Haha I told you that this is the right way too look at things. And you thought you were so smart" . Pretty much, I could punch that bratty kid in the jaw right now, and not feel bad about it. Except somewhere in my subconscious, I agree with that person, I think that maybe they were right all along... So I have to fight with myself, I have to remember how destructive all the bitterness is. It's like this impossible fight going on inside my mind.

Seriously, I think I might need to be heavily medicated at this point. Because these pointless ramblings makes no sense.

"I'd like to blame it on the weather..."

this is the first song for your mixtape

I got a twenty-dollar bill that says no one's ever seen you without makeup. You're always made up. And I'm sick of your tattoos, and the way you always criticize the Smiths... and Morrissey. And I know that you're a sucker for anything acoustic. But when I say let's keep in touch, I really mean I wish that you'd grow up. This is the first song for your mixtape. It's short just like your temper, but somewhat golden like the afternoons we used to spend before you got too cool...
I got a twenty-dollar bill that says no one's ever seen you without makeup. You're always made up. And I'm sick of your tattoos, and the way you don't appreciate Brand New or me and I know that you're a sucker for anything acoustic. But when I say let's keep in touch, I hope you know I mean I wish that you'd grow up. This is the first song for your mixtape. It's short just like your temper, but somewhat golden like the afternoons we used to spend before you got too cool...
-Brand new; mixtape.

Why does it seem that as soon as I get some sort of footing in life, something has to happen that can make the ground that I am clinging to for death life tremble with such force that it can all come crashing down within seconds. I'm such a mess right now, which is horrifying because I've had such a good week, I've figured out allot of things. But of course, something has to happen. It's not the right time, everything is on shaky ground as it is.

Someone has come back into my life, someone that I thought to be gone forever, or at the very least until I had some solid hold on my views. Nope, life waits for no one to be ready. And this has all hit me ever so hard. This person hasn't even managed to touch my life specifically yet, but I know it's coming, and I'm terrified. I mean, I'm just getting over my bitter and jaded views of everything, but must it be tested right now.. can't it wait. I don't even know what to say, the words escape me.

I'm deathly afraid of falling, of falling back into my old habits. They are laying, waiting for me, tempting me, ever so close to the surface. And right now, I'm not entirely sure I can resist, I'm not sure. It would be so much easier to say that I hate this person, that I don't want to be near him, and that I don't want anyone I care about near him, but it's not that easy. That would have been my choice just over two weeks ago, I would have thrown a fit and not thought twice about it. Now it's not that easy. People make mistakes, and he seems to know that he made one. My issue is letting him affect the lives of the people that I care about all over again. I dealt with allot of guilt for bringing this person into the lives of my family, we hurt for a long time after everything happened, myself and my sister mostly.

Fuck. I thought I was doing so well.. so much for that.
I have allot to think about now, I might not be at home as much if he is here, I don't think I'm ready for that big of a test yet.

It feels like I'm in school... and I'm getting the final for a class right after sitting through orientation, clearly I'm laking preparations for such a test.

But I was not honest...

"You did the right thing, covered your scars
Challenged your faith
and closed your eyes driving cars
For all that they knew you were safe home
But you went through hell
whenever you were left alone"
Maria Mena; Internal Dialogue.

So I've gone through allot of stuff in my mind lately, my overactive brain cells are relishing in this attention to detail, trying to find the root of my internal conflicts. And I think I've gotten caught on this whole idealogy I have about being a "strong person", somehow I think I missed that vital lesson on the true meaning of these words, and have misinterpreted them. Over the past few years I've kinda made myself feel better in many situations by telling myself that I am a "stong person" that I can deal with anything... alone. How wrong was I? Well, I know now, and my mistakes have cost me.

My errors have been in my perception of the word "strong" for some reason I was under the impression to be strong you had to show no emotion and weather every storm with a smile on my face. I found that strength, but internally I have had nothing but intense storms. I have, in reality, had no one to turn to, because in my eyes that was a sign of weakness. That's not to say I haven't talked to people when I was going through things, because I did, yet I never really opened up.

I have only started to realise that the strength that would have been invaluable to me in times of difficulties would have been the strength to face my fears as well as my emotions. I know now that I can come face to face with the most unsettling of my emotions and come out a better person. I have discovered that my own brand of strength isn't in hiding from things, as I had previously believed, but my true strength has been in facing some pretty big fears.

This journey of mine has only really begun, but in reality I am enjoying it. I'm relieved that I can abandon some of my jaded bitter views of the world in favour some more optimistic opinions. It's really cool, being able to be honest with myself, unsettling at times but revealing at the same time. I suppose that writting about my "discoveries" is my very own way of remembering, because of a shift in my fear I know fear forgetting all that I have learned in the past little while. I don't want to relapse into my old bitter habbits, so I write as I learn... this way I can remember, I hope.

"I've run out of complicated theories
So now I'm taking back my words
and I'm preparing for the breakdown"
-Maria Mena, Miss Your Love

i've got these promises...

I've got these promises ... that are creeping through my head, words I'd never dare say out loud. My tongue bleeds crimson red ... sliced open by the thorns of untruths that I've uttered before. And I'd like to be my friend, but own worst enemy again, resolutions that i break. And I'm headed for a fall, my own worst enemy of all, with every step back that I take.And these promises I keep, in the hours before I sleep. Don't mean nothing when I break them in the morning. And these promises I break, that are keeping me awake. Nightmares never half as bad as this.
-Defiance, Ohio "Promises"

So I've been thinking allot lately, shocking and totally out of caracther right? Well no, not for me. I am a mess of over-analytical brain cells, and an overly stressed out brain. But really, can I blame my simple human anatomy for my shortcomings. I think not. In reality I have created the over-analytical, stressed out creature that I have become. This isn't to say that I'm never happy, of course I am, when I surround myself with the right kind of people, and when I'm real. That is when I am really happy, yet, I still find myself trying to justify spending time with people that I need to be fake with.

I almost made a phone call today that could've sent me back to a place that I was last year, a place that has messed up allot of things for me. I enjoyed that place well I was there, but whenever I was alone.. well that was horrifying. The simple fact that I almost went back there, is probably even more terrifying.

In the past year I think I have completely lost touch with the person that I once was, I don't do things for myself anymore, and I run myself ragged trying to maintain some impossible level of "I don't even know", it's hard to explain how I've gotten myself into this position, and it's even harder to imagine a way to escape. But I think I've started.. the simple act of turning off my cell phone for 24 hours, it was mindblowing, I thought it would be impossible to be without my main form of communication to my friends, but to spend a weekend alone with my thoughts, wow, I feel like I have finally started to rediscover something that resembles the person I used to be.

I forgot how important it was to spend time alone, normally being alone terrifies me to no end. But I remembered that only when I am alone, can I truly face what is bothering me. I forgot how much I love to go for walks, without a purpose.. it's pretty well when I do my best thinking. I miss my photography; allot. I don't think I have taken my camera out in over a year. I haven't gone to a good concert in almost a year, and I miss that. Even though I'm not entirely sure I fit in, I went because I could feel something when I was there.

I hate to admit it, but I think the last time I was completely in touch with myself was in high school, not even around grade 12, probably around grade 10. I had no quelms about being honest with myself about my feelings, I had no shame in being sad or stressed or angry. I miss that, the simplicity of knowing exactly how I felt, and not fearing it. I used to embrace all my emotions, and range of feelings.. yet now I fear it. I don't want to disrupt the complacency of the routine I've settled into. I would rather downplay my feelings, and justify them in ways that aren't normal. I think most of my self-doubt has stemmed from this, I disregard my feelings so much that I forget that they are real, and whether I choose to acknowledge them now or later eventually they will catch up with me.

And I lie to myself, oh do I ever do this, I convince myself that I don't trust people.. but I will tell them certain things in such a guarded way, so that I can some way analyse their reaction and determine whether or not I will really be able to confide in these people. And these ludicrous "tests" are just that ludicrous, I can in no way determine how well I can trust someone based on their reactions to carefully calculated descriptions of events that may or may not have shaped me into the person I am today. My trust issues, as I am just beginning to realise do not stem from events in my past, they are born purely of my own doing. No one made me who I am today, I have become this way because I have allowed myself to believe that because one person has messed up everyone will. And that is a bitter and jagged view of the world that I certainly need to abandon.

And for some godforsaken reason, I have managed to abandon the one thing that has always been my escape, I haven't taken a picture in almost a year. And by picture I don't mean a snapshot of friends, I mean I haven't taken my photography seriously in ages. I remember the escape that my camera used to provide, it was better then any drug, I was me with that camera. And I feel that I have lost that part of myself, the part of myself that isn't afraid of self-expression, the part of myself that could actually afford to be creative in some sense of the word. I used to get lost behing the lense of that camera, I think I found myself in a dark room. The pure creativity in the moment that my picture would come to life with chemical rinses only to be hung out to dry; it's impossible to explain. I could poor myself into my photography with no shame in being judged. I need to go back to that place, I need to start again. That will all be part of my newest adventure, I think tomorrow I will find some nature trail, throw on a pair of sweat pants and running shoes, and rediscover what it is to be real.. to be creative.

i'm kind of a joke; really. except it's not funny...

I don't understand why I can't be real.. with most people. I'm so scared of being judged, and I realise that everyone has that problem. But in reality I think most people can at least say that they know who they want to be.. I have no idea. But what I do know is that the person that I have been lately; is nowhere near the person that I would someday like to become. I'm jaded, bitter, and easily manipulated.

I can't even answer simple questions about myself, because I have no idea who I am. I have become, for the most part, a reflection of my parent's expectation and what I believe people want me to be. And being real.. like 100% honest with myself, is terrifying.

I don't know what I want from life at this point, I have no idea where I'm going.. I kinda feel like I'm stuck in a traffic circle just driving, because making an actual decision as to which direction I'm heading is scaring the crap out of me.

I've also come to realise that some of the people that I'm become friends with are probably not the best people to be around right now. I don't want to let people down, so I pretend to be someone I'm not. I act like I wouldn't normally act in order to impress people, and that's not something I'm proud of.

However, I'm actually starting to believe that, with the support of my sweet friends, and allot of effort on my part, I may actually be able to discover who I am. I know it's going to be hard, and at times it's probably going to suck; really bad. But this is something that I need to do, not for anyone else, but for me.

The hard part right now, is that I just realised that I've put on a great front for the past little while, I even had myself convinced that I knew who I was.. guess not. It hit me like a ton of bricks.. thank you random sickness... I couldn't sleep and inevitably I layed awake in bed and thought; usually this is a horrible thing for me, but I came to some pretty terrifying conclusions in regards to the person that I have become.. I don't like it.

I don't know, I guess the next little while I will have to take some time to actually get to know myself. I would read old journals, but looking back, those are pretty much a lie too. I've never actually even been completely honest with myself.

So here's to a new journey..
A journey of self-discovery I suppose.