you spin my head right round .

lame .

i. two exams left both at 9am . i hate my academic life .
ii. i let my parents down , again .
iii. fucking butterflies , it's sad that they are like forewarning that i'm going to get hurt .
iv. you're stupid cell phone number .
v. crying
vi. i missed reaper & project runway canada last night . wtf
vii. my neck hurts .
viii. i don't know what sleep is anymore
ix. cute couples , yeah so what i'm jealous of your hand holding .
x. life ?

this is probably the best , not to mention the worst idea that i have ever had .

so it's one thirty in the morning , and i am wide awake . thank you starbucks .

i can't wait to go away , i mean , i haven't left the general niagara region in almost three years now . and i think i need a vacation more than anything else right now . it will be nice to run away for a week , or even a couple days . but i hate that i feel like i need to run away from my problems , whatever - maybe it's exactly what i need right now , to run away . i have a feeling it's exactly what i need , i know this because for some reason the idea of moving away from here completely has been kind of predominant lately , i mean how easy would it be to just move to the other side of the country , start all over . not have people that have expectations around ?

BC sounds good to me , i think that would be remote enough ? ugh . i don't think that it's something that i'd be able to do though , just pick up and leave . the freedom though , to be on my own with no one to fall back on , would probably be terrifying .

i wonder if i could find someone to go on this adventure with me ? i'm sure there is a good school in BC where i could finish my degree , and the photography ♥ , i would die to be able to get some shots out there .


as if i would ever have the courage to pack up and leave . it's nice to dream though .


love ♥ ♥

ps . entourage is my new love , as is southland .

♥

Two to one

Static to the sound of you and I

Undone for the last time

And there this was

Hiding at the bottom of your

Swimming pool some September

And don't you think

I wish I could stay

Your lips give you away

I can hear it, the jet engine

Through the center of the storm

And I'm thinking I'd

Prefer not to be rescued

Two to none

Roads that lead away from this

I'm following myself just this once

And I've got spunIt appears you're spun as well

It happens when you pay attention

This could take all year, but

When it's quiet, does she hear me?

Jettisoned to the center of the storm

And I'm thinking I

Prefer not to be rescued

Oh, I can feel her, she's dying

Just to keep me cool

I'm finally numb, so please

Don't get me rescued... rescued...

And it's unclear

But this may be my last song

Oh, I, I can tell

She's raising hell to give to me

She got me warm

So please don't get me rescued

Oh, say you'll miss me one last time

I'll be strong, but whatever you do

Please don't get me rescued...

'Cause I'm feeling likeI might need to be near you

And I feel alright, so please

Don't get me rescued...

love ♥

ps . thank you onetreehill for more amazing musique , and you should probably check out jack's mannequin like right now , because they are amazingly talented .

if you promise not to push it then i will hold you tight ,

so i guess it was inevitable , it's exam , i'm stressed , to be honest i'm surprised i've lasted this long without a complete meltdown . no joke , i usually have to write , oh i'd say one exam , and then i freak out because of one small thing , well this time around i actually managed to write two before i had my biannual complete meltdown , i almost made it to three , but i was on my way to my exam when this went down .

yeah , it was pretty sweet cried the whole way from welland to st catharines , makeup running down my face , it was lovely . in retrospect it reminds me of the one dane cook skit , the crying one , ironically i think he jokes about the vehicle being a blue honda ? which is what i drive . oh lord .

love ♥

ps . i'm fucking bored as hell . however , i am stoked to get my huuurrr did on wednesday ( :
goodbye nasty roooots , hello blondie ready for a serious vacay , with lots of alcohol .

and if you need some lovin . . .

THOUGHT OF THE DAY : what is a cop on a horse going to do in downtown welland ?
seriously , i was on my way home from school today and i was going down east main and there is this random cop sitting on a horse just watching the traffic go by . what i want to know is how this cop has any potential to stop crime ? because really , he doesn't even have the flashing lights and sounds that a normal cop car has . nope , just him and his horse . i guess he still has his gun , but i suppose he can't really shot out someone's tires or anything without good cause . i think that the welland PD could probably be putting their funds to better use than paying for the care of a horse , sure it's pretty but not so affective .

love ♥

ps . i'm so over everyone's drama . my mom's still not talking to me , exams have me on edge . i hate this week . i can't wait for saturday to be over , then i will only have one exam left . fuck . at least i can sleep in tomorrow .

here amongst my wildest dreams ...

so i went to sherkston today to talk to our new team manager , and i'm pretty sure that i am ridiculously stoked to go back there . it will be my third summer there , and it's crazy to think that for a minute i had considered not going back . either way , there have been so many changes , and that makes me even more excited , the office looks amazing , and i'm pretty sure there is actually going to be some kind of chain of command this summer . thank god .

have i mentioned that i absolutely adore the people that i work with at sherkston , because i do .

love ♥

ps. reaper , wtf andie ? you can't break up with sam . that's just not right .

& i knew that you meant it ...

it's just another one of those nights , i just seem to let my mind wander and it always seems to come back to the same thing .

i feel like something is missing , and i'm scared to admit that i know exactly what it is , because if i do , i might get hurt again . and i'm kind of over hurting all the time .

i'm also over people telling me that i'm some kind of spoiled princess , and that i've had everything handed to me . honestly , i want to prove to them that i can do it on my own , and maybe that's part of why i'm so keen on moving out . i need to prove something , not only to those people , but to myself . the thing is i'm scared , and the person that used to be able to make me feel like i could do anything i put my mind to , doesn't talk to me anymore .

there i said it , i'm pretty sure that's what i'm missing . i think that the best thing that he ever said to me was "you're doing great ." and it's probably because i knew he actually meant it .

fuck . i can't do this .


love ♥

ps. stoked on the hills season 5 , i need a distraction from my drama and this looks like it's going to be a pretty sweet one .

don't know what's come over me ,

so after seeing samantha's new tattoo yesterday, i'm yearning for some new ink even more so than usual. i want so many different tattoos it's insane. oh and franz sam's tattoo artist, he can tattoo me whenever he wants ♥.
* my foot, i want "never say die" in pretty script on my left foot. for those of you who dont know where that is from, 1. you're lame . 2. it's from the goonies
* my left shoulder i want a pink lotus flower.
* my back, in between my shoulder blades, i want an old school firefighter helmet, with my dad's number, in black and gray with daddy's girl in a banner underneath it.
* i want "c'est la vie" on the outside of my right foot
* a small fleur de lys behind my left ear

pretty much i will end up being quite inked. and i'm pretty stoked. ( :

love ♥♥

ps. loving old street pharmacy right now... pull out the bat . haha

oxycotton, zanax bars, percocets .... ♥

no i have not turned into a drug addict, that would be über lame. and well hard drugs scare me, long story for another time.

anyways, today on my way home, i took out a cd that i have not listened to in a couple months. i used to listen to this cd all the time no joke. i burned it at the beginning of september and it made up the soundtrack to two to three months of my life. and listening to it brought back some pretty sweet memories. from back when everything was cute, and we were still friends. espicially the oxy cotton song, because you used to make fun of me for knowing all the words, even though you thought it was adorable. and how at first i would singalong all quiet hoping you wouldnt notice, but then after a while, not so much.

i kind of miss that, just being in my car driving around singing along to lame rap music about drugs that scare me to death. i miss that friendship more than anything right now.

and its weird that i put that cd in today, because when i was with sam i was telling how much i was just starting to trust you, not that i didn't at first, but i mean in the sense that i actually thought that i could count on you... and then everything changed , too bad eh?

love ♥

ps. laundry day tomorrow, not stoked.
pss. the boy that tattoo'd samantha is totally lustworthy , and he is a sweetheart ♥

i'm breakin through to you ; ♥

so i guess it's pretty lame that i still worry about you. and that i still think about you from time to time. and it's probably really lame how much it sucks that i feel like i can't talk to you, even though i really want to, not that this is something that you've insinuated in anyway, this one is all on me. fuckmylife.

love♥

ps. i finished reading new moon, again, today. ugh, i want a vampire? is that so wrong? i would even settle for a werewolf, it just seems so easy for them, well not really. but the connections are there. you know?