it doesn't mean shit unless you take a whiff..

why is it that everytime i think things might just be looking up, i'm starting to get over that one boy that i keep going back too, that something has to happen to fuck things up? seriously, i'm not sure i understand.. it's like life has this tracker and everytime i start to move on.. he gets some sort of weird signal and has to get a hold of me.... but not to make amends, oh god no, not even to just talk, but to find some way of making me cry again..

thanks world, you are a huge bag of douche.

ugh.

LIFE LESSON LEARNED : when your instincts are all but screaming at you that something bad will come of this, trust them. Chances are your instincts are going to save you allot of pain&suffering.

you know when you get that one text, phone call, email, whatever, and as soon as you see the sender's name your stomach drops to your knees, and you know it's probably bad news, but somehow you can't help but indulge you have to see what they want... RESIST. seriously, because you probably have that feeling for a reason, it's probably bad news, and you're probably going to end up regretting it.

waiting for your call...

Waiting for your call, I'm sick, call I'm angry call I'm desperate for your voice Listening to the song we used to sing In the car, do you remember Butterfly, Early Summer It's playing on repeat, Just like when we would meet Like when we would meet Cause I was born to tell you I love you and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine Stay with me tonight Stripped and polished, I am new, I am fresh I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh Cause every breath that you will take when you are sitting next to me will bring life into my deepest hopes, What's your fantasy? (What's your, what's your, what's your...) Cause I was born to tell you I love you and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine Stay with me tonight And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home (I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have) cause I was born to tell you I love you and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine Stay with me tonight Cause I was born to tell you I love you and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
-your call; secondhand serenade

2 in the morning and i'm still awake, and for once it's not because i'm afraid that if i find the resolve to go to bed that i will cry myself to sleep, i'm actually kind of happy now. it's ironic really, how much everything has changed in such little time, i mean if you think about it in the grand scheme of things a year really isn't that great of a length of time. but so much can change in a year, and i feel like it's kind of deja vue right now. i've lost someone, again, but this time, i'm not hiding from my problems in a smoky garage, i'm actually facing them head on.

it's been terrifying to actually face being alone, and the hurt has been pretty strong, but i've healed allot. i've learned so much from this all. i really have, and i have more now because of everything that has happened. i used to keep people out, and hide behind this incredibly huge wall of bitterness and hurt, but now.. i don't know, that wall seems to be coming down. allbeit i cry allot more now than i used to, i actually feel better about things then i have in a long time. i've got some grip on the person that i want to be.

through everything i've found an awesome friend, someone that actually knows who i am, no lies, no hiding. it's actually kind of awesome to have someone actually know me. (best friend; ily)

maybe letting people in isn't so bad.

there is one person i should thank for showing me this, but that probably isn't going to happen, and i'm not bitter about them being gone, or about the decisions that they've made. i've grown up allot this year, and i think i've changed for the better, namely over the past couple months. i've dealt with allot of things from my past. i've found some sweet people that i plan on keeping in my life for quite some time.

i guess that's it.

.. 25.

UN. i've been told on more than one occasion that i am too nice for my own good.
DEUX. i'm am deathly afraid of loosing the people that are close to me
TROIS. i've been through quite a bit, but i'd rather not talk about it, it just brings back memories that i've tried to repress
QUATRE. i used to run from my problems, i'm trying to avoid doing that
CINQ. i have no tolerance for stupid drama, seriously, grow up
SIX. i use the fact that i'm french as an excuse for almost everything, but i'd like for it to be more than that
SEPT. their are allot of secrets within my family, i'm not entirely sure i want to know them all
HUIT. i absolutely adore starbucks, it's an addiction
NEUF. most nights i would rather stay at home with a good book than go out.
DIX. most people don't really know me, i'm not sure i want them to
ONZE. my best friend, means the world to me, honestly, i love her to death
DOUZE. i can usually learn things really quickly, however, when i don't get something right away it drives me nuts, i'm liable to give up.
TREIZE. i'm finally starting to find some kind of balance between the person i used to be, the person i want to be and the person that i am
QUATORZE. in september i probably would have told you that kelsey's was my favourite restaurant, but after one fatefull night with my best friend, and some bomb garlic twists, i would now have to say that boston pizza is rigth up there
QUINZE. music is my life, honestly, i can pretty much find a song to fit everyone of my moods.
SEIZE. i love surprising people with the music that i have playing in my car, i have gotten more than one double take when people see/hear me listening to metal.
DIX-SEPT. i'm scared to let people down.
DIX-HUIT. i'm sick of feeling not good enough
DIX-NEUF. one tree hill is my favourite show in the entire world, i have all five seasons on dvd.
VINGT. my french teacher at brock is a serious thorn in my side and i have considered punching her in the face for all the frustration that i have to endure in her class
VINGT ET UN. i will go out and drink on occasion, but it's not really my style, i don't enjoy large crowds of people.
VINGT-DEUX. stupid slutty girls at clubs piss me off, really, no one likes you sit down, don't dance on the table, and please have a touch of class.
VINGT-TROIS. it seems like everytime i start to get over something, or decide that it's time to move on, their is some reminder as to why i shouldn't get on with my life.
VINGT-QUATRE. i've pretty much had a car since i got my license, if i didn't have a car i would loose any sanity that i have.
VINGT-CINQUE. i love just going out for pointless rides in my car, i can think about things that way without all the distractions that life normally presents me with.

if i'm just bad news then you're a liar..

She said "Don't, don't let it go to your head Boys like you are dime a dozen Boys like you are dime a dozen" She said "You're a touch overrated, You're a lush and I hate it, But these grass stains on my knees They won't mean a thing"
And all I (all I) Need to know (need to know) Is that I'm something you'll be missing (is that I'm something that you're missing) Maybe I should hate you for this Never really did ever quite get that far Maybe I should hate you for this Never really did ever quite get that...
I'd never lie to you Unless I had to I'll do what I got to Unless I had to I'll do what I got to, the truth Is you could slit my throat And with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt
Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions This'll be the last chance you get to drop my name
Maybe I should hate you for this(If only you knew half as much as you pretend to)
-tαking bαck sundαy, you're so lαst summer.

Truths.
i'm done fighting for something thαt's long gone. it hurt too much, αnd i'm not sure i cαn hαndle crying myself to sleep αnymore. it seems like αs soon αs i get better, αnd come to terms with life.. something comes αnd throws α wrench into the works.
i αm unbelievαbly thαnkfull for my best friend, seriously, she's not α bitch, even though she tries reαlly hαrd to mαke people think she is, αt heαrt she is αn αmαzing person thαt hαs been there for me αll yeαr. i meαn reαlly, αfter being αt work.. she mαkes sure to text messαge me tonight to mαke sure i'm not still sitting in my cαr, αlone, crying. honestly, she's αmαzing, i will kill you if you hurt her (:
i'm α mess lαtely, i'm not hαppy but i'm mαnαged to convince most people thαt i αm. i do hαve good dαys, but most of the time, αt the end of the dαy.. it's still the sαme feeling of loneliness.
i cαn't wαit to move out of my pαrents house, it's going to be hαrd, but i know i cαn do it. i need to leαrn to be αlone, i cαn't keep hαving someone there to bαil me out when i get in trouble.

mostly, right now, i wish i could sleep.. but i cαn't, αs usuαl.

that first step you took was the worst...

Complete and total adoration, My gift to you, my heart was yours, In ten weeks you shaped it, In one night you murdered it. Torn from my chest and laid at your feet, That first step that you took was the worst. Since then you've walked a thousand miles in solace and short remark, And I still have these memories, But will never see what we could have been. Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now? Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go? Remember, Cause that's all you can do. We'll never make another memory, We'll never make another memory. I wish i would have died in your arms the last time we were together, So I wouldn't have to wake without you today. This time I thought things were real, You said they were, What happened? You were a priority, Was I an option? I let you see a side of me that I don't share with anyone. Promises are just words unless they are fulfilled. Knew from the beginning all I had to offer you was my heart,
I'm just sorry that it wasn't enough. So, we'll go our own ways, And hopefully you'll remember these things i've told you, Hopefully you'll understand that everything I said is in sincerity. A broken heart is not what I wanted from this, But I guess i've learned from it. But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes? I don't consider this a mistake, I just wish the story didn't end this way, Cause i'm still in love with the person who helped me write it. Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now? Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
-a year from now, across five aprils

i never really understood the concept of "the straw that broke the camel's back" that singular, solitary moment, or action, or word that could make everything come crashing to a finite end. well i understand that concept more or less now, i realise that there is only so many hurts a person can endure. but i never thought that someone would be able to bring me to the point where i could say, without really looking back, that i was done. that i had no desire to speak to them again. well, i can honestly say that i'm there.

i guess this means a new year and a new beginning, again.
it seems that every at this time, something happens that turns everything inside out...
i feel though, that this year, i am much better equiped to deal with the situation in a less destructive way than last year, at least i hope i am.

16 TRUTHS.

ONE: i'm terrified that eventually i am going to push him away so much, that he will just give up and not come back.
TWO: i hate asking for things because it makes me feel like i'm not accomplishing anything
THREE: i miss the days when i could trust people without second guessing it
FOUR: i don't believe in regrets, because i've learned so much from my past.
FIVE: i've put up so many walls, and now that i want to tear them down, i don't even know where to start.
SIX: i miss him, everyday
SEVEN: i almost never feel good enough
EIGHT: i can attach allot of sentimental value to songs, i still can't listen to certain songs without crying. and most songs make me think of when i heard them the first time.
NINE: i don't sleep at night, because in the dark my worries are far too clear to deal with
TEN: i love my bestfriend/futur roomie, because our friendship has grown so much over the past couple months.
ELEVEN: if i don't know you, i'm probably going to be very sarcastic, it's not because i'm mean, it's because being nice would mean that i wouldn't have that bitting humour to save me.
TWELVE: i hate receiving gifts, i would much rather give them.
THIRTEEN: i miss some of the simplicity of high school however i dont miss fake friends and pointless drama
FOURTEEN: i wouldn't do anything differently.
FIFTEEN: i'm working on not being bitter, and not blaming anyone else for who i have become, but it's not easy
SIXTEEN: i want to travel the world, but i always want to be able to come home..