So as usual I'm confused..
I don't know what to do about this boy that I have in my life.. I was really starting to think that maybe I could have feelings for him.. and then he took my friend home. Well, I've gotten over that, and we're friends, and things have been going well... but I don't know where I stand with him, and it's driving me up the fucking wall..
We talk everyday, or close to everyday.. but I don't know if that is his way of making sure he can get some when he wants, or because he actually cares about what's going on in my life, and really wants to get to know me.
I feel like I say or do the wrong things at the wrong times and screw things up, but I really don't know what to do anymore...
well here's hoping my heart survives whatever mess I have gotten myself into
Friday, April 1, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
I guess we're still playing hide & seek
I posted this originally wish list of qualities in a boy a couple years ago, and things have changed since then, which is to be expected... so here is an updated list of what my ideal guy would be like.
where are you ?
* doesnt mind my lame jokes, some of them are really bad
* thinks that i look good with no makeup and / or shower - this happens so much more often now
* doesnt mind that on my days off i would rather sit around and read in pyjamas then go out - ok so I don't like the idea of staying in as much as I used to, but I'm still not the kind of girl that's out at a bar every night.
* can deal with the fact that my bestfriend can sometimes be a bitch , i love her so get over it - apparently not, this person is no longer in my life.. and I think I'm better off
* will spend a whole day in bed cuddling - I still want this.
* doesnt think that its lame , or doesnt tell me that he thinks its lame , that i am addicted to tv on dvd - TV on DVD? what a lost concept. I still watch Dexter on DVD when a new season comes out.. but I can't seem the time to just relax and watch an entire season of tv on dvd anymore
* will drive my car , because frankly driving is lame , and i spend too much time doing this - since this my car has become my safety blanket of sorts, 9 times out of 10 I drive so that I have an out.. its weird I know..
* doesnt argue with me when i feel like paying , i have an independent streak, mk? - so this hasn't changed at all, except I've realized how much it actually drives me nuts when girls expect boys to pay for everything.. I don't want a guy in my life to pay my way.. I work my ass off to be able to take care of myself, thanks.
* doesnt make me feel like a spoiled princess - so this is a huge misconception about me, and it drives me up the walls. I have been very fortunate considering how I was raised, but when people think that my parents are still hand feeding me and taking care of me the way some parents will ; they best fucking think again. I have student debt, and credit card debt, I'm not without my faults. But my parents, as much as they help out, are not giving me handouts, and I don't want them too, I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. So assholes, call me a princess I will knock you out, thanks.
* calls me just to hear my voice - this would be cute the first couple times.. but I would probably get annoyed.
* thinks that its cute when i say things in french because i cant think of the right word in english - OK so being out of a french school for nearly four years has changed this, but I still do weird french things.. like wear socks with sandals.. being french is a part of who I am, it's tattoo'd on me & will never not be a part of me.
* knows where to find me when im trying to hide from the world - so I don't run away to be alone as much as I used to, but I still have go to places where I tend to find myself when I need to get my thoughts straight..
* understands that my camera is sometimes the one thing that keeps me sane - I've kind of lost touch with photography and its probably because I have so much on my plate.. but I know that when I need that solace its always there.
* doesnt make fun of the lame music that i listen too - so I still listen to some pretty lame music, but really doesn't everyone?
* thinks its cute that i know the words to most of the rap songs on cds in my car - I can still rap along to most songs on my ipod, and its weird, but I don't want a guy who doesn't think that it's at least a little bit awesome.
* understands that i am insecure in relationships , and doesn't make me feel bad / guilty about it - so I still can't manage to give my heart away.. or trust someone with my emotions.. this is a tough one.
* doesnt feel the need to check in all the time - WOULD DRIVE ME UP THE FUCKING WALL.. I don't want someone that I have to answer to, I don't need another parent, I want someone to be there when I come home..
* watches lame tv shows with me , hello ; reaper , antm , one tree hill ? - so instead of these shows how about: teen mom 2 & jersey shore.. I'm always going to have these lame guilty pleasures.. but one thing beats them all.. my beloved montreal canadiens.
* thinks that its cute when i stutter - I still do this all the time, or I can't form a sentence, or get the words wrong. I don't see it changing anytime soon.
* doesnt think that its lame that i have a journal and a blog - so I really don't keep up with either anymore, the time isn't there.. and I guess the need isn't, when I'm upset I still find myself writing though, its a comfort thing I guess.. I can't talk to anyone; so I write
* knows what program im taking at school , but doesnt push the fact that i have no idea what i want to do with my life - ok so that's gone down the drain in the worst possible way, bye bye biochem hello journalism. Just don't question it, and don't judge otherwise it's over before it even started.
* knows what bestfriend & i order at boston pizza - this would have to be changed, because i dont talk to this girl anymore..so I would say that the boy needs to know what kinds of beers I drink & how I take my wings.. my how things have changed
* does cute random things , seriously the little things are 1OOx more important than the big things - This still holds true today.. really. I'd so much rather you do something small & super thoughtful than something huge & generic.
* knows that i dont eat red meat , except on pizza and bacon - this still holds true I guess... but most people already know this about me.
* remembers that i dont particularly enjoy pop unless im sick - sick or drinking,
* knows that im crazy claustrophobic and that large big groups of people intimidate me - I'm still mad claustrophobic & people still make me nervous.. but I have a couple other weird and mostly unfounded fears
* understands that when i met new people i get really nervous and dont do much talking - For those who know me, this comes as a HUGE shock, I'm super shy when I meet new people; I clam up like you wouldn't believe.
* doesnt push the fact that im not very assertive - I am more now than I was before.. but really ask me what I want to do.. I'm probably still going to say I dont care.
* gets that i dont talk about my problems unless i absolutely have to - still wayy too true, I loose so much sleep over stupid things because I refuse to ask for help.. it's a HUGE personal work in progress
* realises that when i call him crying i dont need him to say anything, i just need to talk to someone, also appreciates that i have trusted him enough to actually call him in a state of weakness - this probably wouldn't happen because of the shitty results that have come from doing this in the past; if I did this that would mean I trusted whoever I call more than words can explain.
* doesnt expect me to be all open right away, ive been hurt a few times now, and for some reason i dont let many people in - as if this is going to change, I have so many walls up it's not even funny.. not only that but I have a habit of keeping people at arm's length
* doesnt let my sarcasm scare him away - I'm still a very sarcastic person, get past that, get to know me & it will be worth it.
NEW
* doesn't let my passion for a game scare him away.. I'm probably the worst person to watch hockey with, I cover my eyes, I yell profanities at my TV, I get angry over stupid calls.. I love this game & my team.
i dont think im being too picky , well i probably am . which probably explains allot
love♥
where are you ?
* doesnt mind my lame jokes, some of them are really bad
* thinks that i look good with no makeup and / or shower - this happens so much more often now
* doesnt mind that on my days off i would rather sit around and read in pyjamas then go out - ok so I don't like the idea of staying in as much as I used to, but I'm still not the kind of girl that's out at a bar every night.
* can deal with the fact that my bestfriend can sometimes be a bitch , i love her so get over it - apparently not, this person is no longer in my life.. and I think I'm better off
* will spend a whole day in bed cuddling - I still want this.
* doesnt think that its lame , or doesnt tell me that he thinks its lame , that i am addicted to tv on dvd - TV on DVD? what a lost concept. I still watch Dexter on DVD when a new season comes out.. but I can't seem the time to just relax and watch an entire season of tv on dvd anymore
* will drive my car , because frankly driving is lame , and i spend too much time doing this - since this my car has become my safety blanket of sorts, 9 times out of 10 I drive so that I have an out.. its weird I know..
* doesnt argue with me when i feel like paying , i have an independent streak, mk? - so this hasn't changed at all, except I've realized how much it actually drives me nuts when girls expect boys to pay for everything.. I don't want a guy in my life to pay my way.. I work my ass off to be able to take care of myself, thanks.
* doesnt make me feel like a spoiled princess - so this is a huge misconception about me, and it drives me up the walls. I have been very fortunate considering how I was raised, but when people think that my parents are still hand feeding me and taking care of me the way some parents will ; they best fucking think again. I have student debt, and credit card debt, I'm not without my faults. But my parents, as much as they help out, are not giving me handouts, and I don't want them too, I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. So assholes, call me a princess I will knock you out, thanks.
* calls me just to hear my voice - this would be cute the first couple times.. but I would probably get annoyed.
* thinks that its cute when i say things in french because i cant think of the right word in english - OK so being out of a french school for nearly four years has changed this, but I still do weird french things.. like wear socks with sandals.. being french is a part of who I am, it's tattoo'd on me & will never not be a part of me.
* knows where to find me when im trying to hide from the world - so I don't run away to be alone as much as I used to, but I still have go to places where I tend to find myself when I need to get my thoughts straight..
* understands that my camera is sometimes the one thing that keeps me sane - I've kind of lost touch with photography and its probably because I have so much on my plate.. but I know that when I need that solace its always there.
* doesnt make fun of the lame music that i listen too - so I still listen to some pretty lame music, but really doesn't everyone?
* thinks its cute that i know the words to most of the rap songs on cds in my car - I can still rap along to most songs on my ipod, and its weird, but I don't want a guy who doesn't think that it's at least a little bit awesome.
* understands that i am insecure in relationships , and doesn't make me feel bad / guilty about it - so I still can't manage to give my heart away.. or trust someone with my emotions.. this is a tough one.
* doesnt feel the need to check in all the time - WOULD DRIVE ME UP THE FUCKING WALL.. I don't want someone that I have to answer to, I don't need another parent, I want someone to be there when I come home..
* watches lame tv shows with me , hello ; reaper , antm , one tree hill ? - so instead of these shows how about: teen mom 2 & jersey shore.. I'm always going to have these lame guilty pleasures.. but one thing beats them all.. my beloved montreal canadiens.
* thinks that its cute when i stutter - I still do this all the time, or I can't form a sentence, or get the words wrong. I don't see it changing anytime soon.
* doesnt think that its lame that i have a journal and a blog - so I really don't keep up with either anymore, the time isn't there.. and I guess the need isn't, when I'm upset I still find myself writing though, its a comfort thing I guess.. I can't talk to anyone; so I write
* knows what program im taking at school , but doesnt push the fact that i have no idea what i want to do with my life - ok so that's gone down the drain in the worst possible way, bye bye biochem hello journalism. Just don't question it, and don't judge otherwise it's over before it even started.
* knows what bestfriend & i order at boston pizza - this would have to be changed, because i dont talk to this girl anymore..so I would say that the boy needs to know what kinds of beers I drink & how I take my wings.. my how things have changed
* does cute random things , seriously the little things are 1OOx more important than the big things - This still holds true today.. really. I'd so much rather you do something small & super thoughtful than something huge & generic.
* knows that i dont eat red meat , except on pizza and bacon - this still holds true I guess... but most people already know this about me.
* remembers that i dont particularly enjoy pop unless im sick - sick or drinking,
* knows that im crazy claustrophobic and that large big groups of people intimidate me - I'm still mad claustrophobic & people still make me nervous.. but I have a couple other weird and mostly unfounded fears
* understands that when i met new people i get really nervous and dont do much talking - For those who know me, this comes as a HUGE shock, I'm super shy when I meet new people; I clam up like you wouldn't believe.
* doesnt push the fact that im not very assertive - I am more now than I was before.. but really ask me what I want to do.. I'm probably still going to say I dont care.
* gets that i dont talk about my problems unless i absolutely have to - still wayy too true, I loose so much sleep over stupid things because I refuse to ask for help.. it's a HUGE personal work in progress
* realises that when i call him crying i dont need him to say anything, i just need to talk to someone, also appreciates that i have trusted him enough to actually call him in a state of weakness - this probably wouldn't happen because of the shitty results that have come from doing this in the past; if I did this that would mean I trusted whoever I call more than words can explain.
* doesnt expect me to be all open right away, ive been hurt a few times now, and for some reason i dont let many people in - as if this is going to change, I have so many walls up it's not even funny.. not only that but I have a habit of keeping people at arm's length
* doesnt let my sarcasm scare him away - I'm still a very sarcastic person, get past that, get to know me & it will be worth it.
NEW
* doesn't let my passion for a game scare him away.. I'm probably the worst person to watch hockey with, I cover my eyes, I yell profanities at my TV, I get angry over stupid calls.. I love this game & my team.
i dont think im being too picky , well i probably am . which probably explains allot
love♥
Saturday, February 26, 2011
I'm just going to "call it karma"
my life, as usual, has been a shit show of a mess this week, and not due to alcoholic consumption on my part.
yet again, i tried to let someone in, tried to give someone the benifit of the doubt.. and guess what... he brought my friend home, fucking awesome. I don't even think i'm mad at him, even though i know i should be.. Im mad at myself because yet again i'm falling for the wrong person. I'm giving people credit that they clearly don't deserve.
to the boy: you are exactly what you told me you weren't, you asked for the benefit of the doubt and you got it.. what you did with it, well that's your problem.
ps. way to bring home the drunkest, sloppiest girl there, easy kill i guess. this tells me so much more about you than you ever could.
to the girl: you were a total sloop show, you knew that i was starting to have feelings for this boy, and not only did you go home with him.. but you had the audacity to text me to tell me about it... wow. i have no respect for you.. at all.
i guess that's it
<3
yet again, i tried to let someone in, tried to give someone the benifit of the doubt.. and guess what... he brought my friend home, fucking awesome. I don't even think i'm mad at him, even though i know i should be.. Im mad at myself because yet again i'm falling for the wrong person. I'm giving people credit that they clearly don't deserve.
to the boy: you are exactly what you told me you weren't, you asked for the benefit of the doubt and you got it.. what you did with it, well that's your problem.
ps. way to bring home the drunkest, sloppiest girl there, easy kill i guess. this tells me so much more about you than you ever could.
to the girl: you were a total sloop show, you knew that i was starting to have feelings for this boy, and not only did you go home with him.. but you had the audacity to text me to tell me about it... wow. i have no respect for you.. at all.
i guess that's it
<3
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
oh hay;
it's birthday week which inevitably means trouble & lots of it...
the count so far...
1 limo with 11 awesome people
1 blue jays with with 14 of my favorite people in the world
2 throw ups
2 pain pills
2 gravol
3 birthday cakes
1 trip to wendys
1 4O' of jagermeister gone
20 cans of red rain done
? countless jagerbombs
1 tumble down the stairs
? countless bruises
1 ongoing drama fest
? countess sing-a-longs
a couple tears
2 new bottles of jager
1 4O' of vodka
1 6O' of vodka
all this and my birthday isn't over yet
i love my life <3
the count so far...
1 limo with 11 awesome people
1 blue jays with with 14 of my favorite people in the world
2 throw ups
2 pain pills
2 gravol
3 birthday cakes
1 trip to wendys
1 4O' of jagermeister gone
20 cans of red rain done
? countless jagerbombs
1 tumble down the stairs
? countless bruises
1 ongoing drama fest
? countess sing-a-longs
a couple tears
2 new bottles of jager
1 4O' of vodka
1 6O' of vodka
all this and my birthday isn't over yet
i love my life <3
Friday, July 9, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
with eyes wide open...
it's funny how many times I almost fell for you;
how many times I almost believed that you were going to change;
things like this make me so glad that I trust my instincts more than my own heart..
it's funny how things end up in the end.
I just can't believe you are using the same lines, having the same arguments and pulling the same crap that you did with me - with her. thank god she's smarter than me, I hope to hell she doesn't even come as close as I did for falling for you.. I hope she doesn't have to cry over you like I did..
this is my friend, a good friend, that you are playing games with.. I could never bring myself to trust you the way you wanted me too. and now you're lying about the same things to her..
if only people could really see...
you need to get your shit together more than anyone else I know. . .
i need to go for a drive & a tan...
it's one of these kinds of days.
this makes me dislike you more than anything else you've ever done to me.
how many times I almost believed that you were going to change;
things like this make me so glad that I trust my instincts more than my own heart..
it's funny how things end up in the end.
I just can't believe you are using the same lines, having the same arguments and pulling the same crap that you did with me - with her. thank god she's smarter than me, I hope to hell she doesn't even come as close as I did for falling for you.. I hope she doesn't have to cry over you like I did..
this is my friend, a good friend, that you are playing games with.. I could never bring myself to trust you the way you wanted me too. and now you're lying about the same things to her..
if only people could really see...
you need to get your shit together more than anyone else I know. . .
i need to go for a drive & a tan...
it's one of these kinds of days.
this makes me dislike you more than anything else you've ever done to me.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
summer 2O1O
so I've decided that rather than date stupid boys this summer I'm going to do something productive, I feel like I've been slacking on reading lately. For real, I'm usually the type of person who can go through about a book a week, but I haven't actually read a book in ages, so the mission for this summer is to read a book a week.. not just any book though, I want to read books that will actually influence the type of person that I am.
So here it is; summer reading list 2O1O
1. Catcher in the rye; J.D Salinger
2. Great Expectations; Charles Dickins
3. Alice in wonderland; Lewis Caroll
4. Night; Elie Wiesel
5. Les Miserables; Victor Hugo
6. Flowers for Algernon; Daniel Keyes
7. The Odyssey; Homer
8. Atlas Shrugged; Ayn Rand
9. The Last Lecture; Randy Pausch
10. Go Ask Alice; Anonymous
11. Interview With A Vampire; Anne Rice
12. Into The Wild; Jon Krakauer
13.The Bell Jar; Sylvia Plath
well here's hoping...
UPDATE
so far I haven't done to well with my summer reading list; I've read 3 of the 13 books are we are now in July.
-Catcher in the Rye was amazing.. I may have fallen for H.Caufield I like damaged people.
-Flowers for Algernon was a phenomenal book that I would recommend to anyone. It really makes you appreciate the small things in life.
-Go Ask Alice touched me as much as Nikki Sixx's heroin diaries, hard drugs scare me more than anything else in the world.
That's not to say I haven't read other books this summer but I need to get this reading list done, and stop worrying about the soap opera that my life has turned into.
So here it is; summer reading list 2O1O
1. Catcher in the rye; J.D Salinger
2. Great Expectations; Charles Dickins
3. Alice in wonderland; Lewis Caroll
4. Night; Elie Wiesel
5. Les Miserables; Victor Hugo
6. Flowers for Algernon; Daniel Keyes
7. The Odyssey; Homer
8. Atlas Shrugged; Ayn Rand
9. The Last Lecture; Randy Pausch
10. Go Ask Alice; Anonymous
11. Interview With A Vampire; Anne Rice
12. Into The Wild; Jon Krakauer
13.The Bell Jar; Sylvia Plath
well here's hoping...
UPDATE
so far I haven't done to well with my summer reading list; I've read 3 of the 13 books are we are now in July.
-Catcher in the Rye was amazing.. I may have fallen for H.Caufield I like damaged people.
-Flowers for Algernon was a phenomenal book that I would recommend to anyone. It really makes you appreciate the small things in life.
-Go Ask Alice touched me as much as Nikki Sixx's heroin diaries, hard drugs scare me more than anything else in the world.
That's not to say I haven't read other books this summer but I need to get this reading list done, and stop worrying about the soap opera that my life has turned into.
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